Emma's Diary is the fictional diary handed out to prospective parents by a company of the same name. It is a fictional, week-by-week account of pregnancy, from positive pregnancy test to birth. It's supposed to be a fun and informative run-down of what might be expected from pregnancy. But, as well as all the helpful medical and lifestyle advice handed out to readers via the titular Emma, as far as her husband Nick is concerned, the main take-home message for new mums seems to be that their partner is bound to act like a total and utter berg for the duration of the pregnancy.
Let us count the ways...
1) It's early days but Emma already isn't confident that the baby is going to be Nick's number one priority.
Week 8 I'm sure Nick thinks that he'll have to give up going out to the pub with his mates after work or playing football at the weekends.
2) Emma's not a fan of Nick's culinary skills.
Week 9 I can't go into our kitchen without gagging, which means either Nick is trying to produce something edible (sadly he's not exactly up there with Jamie Oliver) or it's been cereal or beans on toast for me while he gets a takeaway.
3) To be fair to Emma, Nick does sound like a bit of twat.
Week 13 Apart from that, had a row with Nick on Friday. I came home from work feeling totally wiped out but happy as I thought we'd agreed to spend the night in and watch a DVD together but, unknown to me, he had arranged to go out with his mates from work. Just as I was beginning to wonder where he was he rang me from the pub to explain that 'the A-team' (yes, terrifyingly they really do call each other that) had met their sales' target this month so he'd been 'forced' to celebrate (with a stupidly hot curry and industrial-sized quantities of lager) with the others.
4) But it seems a bit harsh to be having a go at him for, er, being asleep at 3am.
Week 14 I woke up at three o'clock in a panic and found it really hard to get back to sleep. Nick as usual was dead to the world, snoring his head off.
5) Despite having to put up with a lot of shit from Emma, Nick is apparently scared of nappy changing.
Week 14 On Sunday I went round to Dani's and, after getting in a bit of nappy-changing practice (not anywhere near as gross as I'd thought, but still pretty smelly so I'm not sure how I'm going to get Nick to do it) we took Archie and Frank for a walk in the park.
6) Remember what Emma said before about Nick not being Jamie Oliver in the kitchen? She wasn't lying.
Week 14 Nick arrived home later with flowers and insisted on making beans on toast for tea so I could put my feet up. I could really get used to this pregnancy lark if it means being spoilt like this for the next few months.
7) Nick's a perv (in a Sid James kind of way).
Week 17 I knew they were achy in the early days, but I'd been so obsessed with staring at my growing bump, that I hadn't noticed my boobs getting bigger. When I said this to Nick he raised his eyebrows, smiled and said he'd definitely noticed that particular change. Grrrrrr.
8) Nick is a man - can you guess what colour he hates?
Week 17 I know if I have a boy Nick will never agree to putting his son in anything that looked remotely like pink!
9) Turns out Nick's mum is pretty annoying, too
Week 17 In keeping with this colour theme, Nick's mum is raring to go with the knitting needles which is really lovely, apart from the fact that I just know all her cardies will be in traditional pastel shades.
10) In fact, she's a total bitch.
Week 18 Nick's mum rang Sunday afternoon to check everything was still OK for them coming to stay. We chatted generally about pregnancy stuff and it was all going fine until she asked me if I'd written my birth plan yet and then made small tutting noises when I said I hadn't really thought about it as I had ages yet... Knowing her, she'll turn up next week on the doorstep and present me with her own colour-coded typed out version. Yes, I know she's Nick's mother and I'm sure she means well, but I really don't know how I'm going to put up with her for a whole four days.
11) There's one more thing to add to the 'Things Nick Is Shit At' list.
Week 19 We should make a start on getting the nursery painted sooner rather than later, or else, knowing Nick's DIY skills, the baby will spend the first three years snuggling down in the spare room alongside his gym ball and weights.
12) Just in case you've forgotten, Nick loves football more than his wife and unborn child.
Week 21 Then I read that 'a relaxing massage from your partner can really help' so I asked Nick if he would give it a go and he said he would as long as it didn't interrupt his football or TV watching.
13) Emma has to take drastic measures just to get Nick's attention.
Week 22 It must have been obvious that I was fed up because even Nick asked me what was wrong when we were having breakfast this morning (usually I'd have to leap around in front of him naked with a sign saying 'not happy, not happy, not happy' before he would notice).
14) Nick doesn't just like perving on breasts, he likes French girls, too.
Week 22 I even went out and bought a new dress for our holiday. It clings in all the right places so I'm hoping it will keep Nick's eyes on me rather than all those French mademoiselles.
15) In case you REALLY didn't notice, Nick loves football more than life itself.
Week 23 I grabbed Nick's hand and put it on my bump. It all went quiet for about five minutes and we were about to give up, when the bashing around suddenly started again and Nick snatched his hand away and started grinning from ear to ear. He's now decided that the baby definitely has to be a boy - because 'he's got a right foot like Ronaldo'. Men! Wonder if he'll still say that if it's a girl?!
16) Nick likes to make jokes about pregnant women, which is a bit awkward
Week 31 I'm not too fussed about my fat feet, but it is a bit miserable to have to take off my wedding ring, and I feel strange without it (and Nick's 'woo-hoo, pregnant woman on the pull' jokes are not that amusing).
17) What's Nick's reaction to Emma having a baby shower? The answer is football- and pub-related, of course.
Week 34 Nick thinks the whole idea is totally naff and has arranged to spend pretty much all the day with his mates playing football and then in the pub. He says it's the only way he can get away from 'cooing women' as he calls us. Charming, I bet he'll still want to nick a couple of cupcakes though when he gets back.
18) In Week 40, Emma has the baby. Thankfully, Nick is finally in her good books...
Week 40 The pain was so strong I almost thought I was going to break - but Nick held my hand tightly and kept telling me I could do it, which helped. Finally, at 6.20am, when I thought I just couldn't push any more and was screaming at everyone to make it stop, I heard Nick shout 'It's a girl.' He looked shell-shocked but happy.
So let's just hope Nick doesn't read Emma's Diary when they get back from the hospital...