British nationals are wasting embassy time with "ludicrous" inquiries about lost false teeth, runny jam and plastic surgery problems, William Hague has complained.
The Foreign Secretary urged expats and tourists not to stretch scarce consular resources by making "bizarre demands".
Among the calls logged by overseas Foreign Office staff are requests for help erecting a chicken coop, advice on where to have Christmas lunch in Spain and a plea for assistance translating "I love you" into Hungarian.
Mr Hague said: "It is not our job, for example, to book you restaurants while you are on holiday.
"This is obvious, you may think. But nonetheless it came as a surprise to the caller in Spain who was having difficulty finding somewhere to have Christmas lunch.
"If, like a man in Florida last year, you find ants in your holiday rental, we are not the people to ask for pest control advice.
"If you are having difficulty erecting a new chicken coop in your garden in Greece as someone else was, I am afraid that we cannot help you.
"Equally, I have to say that we are not the people to turn to if you can't find your false teeth, if your sat nav is broken and you need directions, if you are unhappy with your plastic surgery, if your jam won't set, if you are looking for a dog-minder while you are on holiday, if your livestock need checking on, if you would like advice about the weather, or if you want someone to throw a coin into the Trevi fountain for you because you forgot while you were on holiday and you want your marriage to succeed.
"And our commitment to good relations with our neighbours does not, I am afraid, extend to translating 'I love you' into Hungarian, as we were asked to do by one love-struck British tourist. There are easier ways to find a translation."
Some of the most bizarre requests made to British consular staff abroad:
A man asked embassy staff in Greece for tips on the best fishing spots and where to purchase maggots to use as bait.
Consular staff in Malaga, southern Spain, were contacted by a distraught British woman who found all the restaurants were booked up on Christmas day. Did they know of anywhere still taking bookings?
A man made this request of consular staff in Dubai
A British woman living in Moscow couldn't get to sleep because of a strange buzzing noise in her flat. She asked the Embassy to help track it down. Needless to say they weren't up for it.
A British holidaymaker in Florida found his holiday home infested. He asked the British consulate to help him with pest-control.
Embassy staff were bemused with a request from a Brit who wanted his love letter to a girl translated into the local language.
A man asked a consulate in Greece for information on how to go about putting a chicken coop in his garden
In the speech on strengthening Britain's consular diplomacy, Mr Hague said Britons make more than 55 million individual trips overseas every year and around six million live abroad for some of or all of the time.
Around one in ten murders of Britons in the last two years took place overseas and around 6,000 nationals are arrested every year.
Mr Hague said the figures showed the "immense demand" for the service. His comments come shortly after the conviction of a boy from Florida, who murdered two British men near Sarasota.
He added: "We ask British nationals to be responsible, to be self-reliant and to take sensible precautions."