I say, Lady Mary - do pass the smelling salts. That frightful cad from Peep Show is saying beastly things about us.

The latest episode of David Mitchell's Soapbox sees dapper Dave turn his attentions to Downton Abbey - which, as we'll sure you're already aware, begins its third series on ITV1 this Sunday.

A sample observation? "The stories were already so lunatic that Lord Grantham nipping over to the Somme in an Apache helicopter wouldn't have noticeably increased the net daftness."

Like it? Want more of the same? Then you're in the right place...

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  • Beer Advertising

    "Give me 10 years and I'll be smoking a tweed pipe."

  • The Merits of... Necrophilia

    "Let's get ourselves organised and end this taboo ...there must be plenty of people like me whose attitude is, once all the useful organs have been harvested, "well I'm not using it, help yourself." All it would require would be an extra box on the donor form..."

  • Haircut

    [On hair washing at the hairdressers] "Someone is proposing to wash me. For money. That makes me uncomfortable."

  • The Origins of the word 'Cameleopard'

    "Introducing Cat: the new, compact, selfish dog! Do you love your dog? But hate the space it takes up, and its selfless devotion to you? Then you'll love new Cat! Small, neat, and doesn't care if you live or die!"

  • Lying Liars

    "Don't get me wrong, I'm all for cynicism, and a big admirer of the doctrine of expecting the worst and never being disappointed. Imagine how much fun I am at parties."

  • Extreme Makeover

    "I hate it when someone compliments me on how I look. Well, that's not quite true, there's part of me that likes it, while simultaneously the rest of me feels violated and embarrassed. Rather like when an attractive woman without warning grabs at your crotch... I would imagine."

  • Weddings

    "In the very old days, you used to be told who you had to marry, and that was a bad thing. Now, you not only get to decide that for yourself, but you also get to pick your own do, and that's also bad. I won't say 'worse', but I will think it quite loudly."

  • Pointy Shoes

    "A pointy shoe always looks as if it's in search of an estate agent - and not to kick, which would be fine..."

  • Phonecalls

    "People say that before mobiles we were less in thrall to our phones, but they're misremembering. If the house phone rang, it didn't matter what you were doing, you ran to answer it. And you answered it in its own special room of the house, whilst standing up, and with a recitation of the phone number - ...my God, I'm eighty."