1 Number of sit-downs you'll get between now and Boxing Day night, what with all the shopping, wrapping, peeling, chopping and hosting.
2 Number of minutes you'll rest your legs when you do take the weight off your feet because someone has asked for the Sellotape or you've remembered you have to prick the Christmas cake or the cooker is dinging or one of the kids has been sick from over-excitement.
3 Number of wise men (not the ones at the nativity but husband, dad and father-in-law who will take the kids out for a walk at some point over Christmas so the womenfolk can watch the Downton special in blissful silence save for the chew of chocolate).
4 Number of pairs of scissors – including the kids' ones – in the house. But can you find a pair? Can you? No.
5 Number of roast potatoes per head. Unless you cut one too small then it's... um, now, let's just start from the beginning again. If we have x guests and want some left over for bubble and squeak then we'll need... oh sod it, do the whole bag.
6 Number of Terry's Chocolate Oranges on average per house in the UK on December 25.
7 Number of sobs on receipt of a "sorry, we missed you" Royal Mail card.
8 Number of times you watch The Snowman on any one day during the school holidays.
9 Number of pounds you'll put on between lunchtime on December 24 and turkey sandwich time on December 25.
10 Number of occasions during the act of plating up while making gravy while trying to keep the food hot while telling everyone to get to the table while microwaving the bread sauce you will tell yourself "I am never bloody doing this again. Next year, we're eating out".
12 Number of hangover remedies consumed during the 12 days of Christmas.
16 Number of back-up packets of turkey gravy you have should your homemade one fail.
20 Number of times per hour you will ask if anyone needs a top-up when you put on drinks at yours.
24 Number of times you tell the kids "in my day, there were only 24 windows on the advent calendar, not 25".
29 Number of hours you need in a day to get everything done in the week before Christmas.
37 Number of wrapping paper rolls you will have by Christmas Eve because every time you go shopping, you stick one in the trolley.
50 Number of taxi firms you ring to get a cab home from the office party.
54 Number of times you tell the kids "at least try a Brussel sprout, they don't actually taste of farts".
68 Number of bin bags accrued between the last collection before Christmas and first one of the New Year.
100 Number of sausage rolls in the freezer. Just in case.
250 Number of mince pies you've eaten so far this week.
500 Number of times your mother will ring (per day in December) to go through what she's bringing.
501 Number of times you roll your eyes during your phone conversation with your mum (per day in December) and tell her there'll be a Spar open if we forget anything.
1,000 Number of "Mum, please can I have that for Christmas?" questions you will be asked whenever the adverts come on or you go into town with the kids or you wake up or you breathe.
5,000 Number of pine needles which fall from the tree every 25 minutes, on average.
Does this sound familar? Any more you'd like to add?
Check out our guide to cutting corners for Christmas - and enjoying it even more.