Is there anything more awkward than the New Year's Eve kiss?
If you're single, there's a mad scramble to find someone suitable who won't have you wailing Why God, Why? when you wake up the next day. Failing that, if you don't find someone you'll have to settle for air-kissing your mates, and after a few drinks, see this as a harbinger of a doomed, sexless year ahead.
So as we stick two fingers up at the New Year's Eve kiss here are 5 reasons why you're better off not locking lips.
1. "Lovers swap saliva containing various substances e.g. fats, mineral salts, proteins while kissing."
It's a very sobering thought when you imagine that the person you're kissing may have ingested one of those huge, oil-slicked street hot dogs as sustenance.
2. The nose drips into the back of the mouth and you may get mucus mixed with saliva when kissing.
We feel no further explanation is needed for this one. Quite visual, isn't it?
3. The white blood cells from your mouth will attack your partner's when embracing in a kiss.
Look, even your body is trying to tell you to take off your beer goggles and defend itself.
4. "Kissing is good for teeth. The anticipation of a kiss increases the flow of saliva to the mouth, giving the teeth a plaque-dispersing bath."
This sounds like a beneficial thing right? Except when you're kissing ole slobber chops, that's his/her plaque bath you're swishing around in your mouth.
5. Let's not forget herpes (cold sores) and mononucleosis (aka glandular fever).
Look at those fools kissing away! Let them be the ones sheepishly buying Zovirax the next morning - you'll be smug and herp-free.