First, some background for those of you not familiar with American cheese-based snacks.
These are Hot Pockets...
This is VERSACEPOCKET.
This chap had sex with a Hot Pocket and then felt compelled to post it on Vine with no more motive than to achieve internet notoriety.
He said: "I just thought it was so f----n’ funny.
"I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot.
"I put it in the fridge for a little bit and I was like, 'Dude, I’m gonna have to use a condom if I’m gonna actually stick my dick in the whole Hot Pocket.'"
His mission to gain internet fame has been double-edged. On the one hand, you're reading about him so it worked, on the other he's now barred from Twitter and Vine.
The jury's out...
The Real Doll line of sex dolls have been around for a while, but now they're getting a little too real. For just $8,500, you can own a life-like rendering of famous porn stars. For a little more, the Real Doll company will render anyone you like into one of these. Remember the last time you were in a department store and a mannequin scared you because you thought it was a real person lurking in the shadows? Yeah, we were worried that the Jessica Drake Real Doll clone might attack us.
Perhaps you know some Bronies, grown men who enjoy "My Little Pony" products. Now, porn star Tasha Reign has created a line of sex toys just for them. Can you guess what that thing in Reign's hand does? Read more here.
If you're afraid your penis is too small, the Hydromax is here to help (though therapy might be cheaper and more effective). You use the Hydromax in the shower and the manufacturer claims that this water vacuum pump "creates a vacuum which expands the penis to full erection, and in most cases, slightly more."
By far, this is the most hilariously perverted toy we found at the event. It's called "The Magic Ball," and you can probably guess how it's used. Sorry to ruin your day.
It's a fountain. That spews lube. We can't wrap our minds around it, but it's mesmerizing, in its own way.
Remember when your mom made you get rid of all your awesome baseball cards (yeah, we had the Tops Frank Thomas rookie card, too)? Well, now, as an adult, you can start a collection again with The Adult Trading Card Company. Their website lets you create your own trading cards (humblebrag), and if you pay just a little more, your favorite adult actress will sign them for you.
The guys who made My Private Pillow told us that the average American has six pillows. SIX PILLOWS. Well, finally there's a purpose for all those extra sham pillows that you throw off the bed every night anyway. My Private Pillow has a secret pouch where you can hide all your weird toys. Or your cash. Or your weed, if you live in Colorado.
It's called the "Cock Pipe." If you're a (Coloradoan) weed smoker, you can buy one of these and toke up while you get down.
It's like Draw Something, we think, except it's OK to draw creepy things and send the finished product to your buddies. Adult Draw is available on the app store, but you were already doing this with Draw Something, we're sure. UPDATE: An app representative told us that he's running a fundraiser through the app for several charities. He explains: Adult-Draw is a naughty drawing game for adults and we run fundraise for three charity organizations: American Cancer Society, Magic Johnson Foundation, and Virgin Money Giving ... We want people to have fun and give back to the community.