My friend Zoe has finally finished doing up her new flat. Since a newly decorated spare room and promise of bacon rolls and beers was the closest I was going to get to a champagne filled hotel suite, I went for a girly sleepover. It was exactly the same as school except no one was bursting into tears for not getting enough attention.
Zoe, not content with being a new property owner, is also a new dog owner. Some people grow up faster than others, I thought to myself while looking down at my bright pink Acne cowboy boots. Said dog is a "Jug, and as far as cross breeds go, a "Jug" puppy - a half pug, half jack russell - is unbearably cute.
He's a cheeky, naughty little thing who's fully aware of how charming he is. If he was human, he'd be a dirty heartbreaker. He was my date this weekend and being the only smoker, I was happy to take the little dog out. He's not the first guy I've put on a lead, but he is the first guy I've watched shit on the lawn.
Anyway, pyjamas and someone else's Ugg boots on, I headed outside in the drizzle (I want to make it perfectly clear that the Ugg boots were not mine. The only time they're acceptable is when you're chumming an animal outside for a minute. Just like how crocs are only reasonable if you work as a blood thief.)
An attractive guy walked up to me with another terrier looking thing and the dogs got all inter tangled, licking each other. We stood over them and looked on in silence until he piped up: "I've never seen you with this dog before?" I explained I was walking it for a friend, giving the good deed eye roll like I'd just given a dying child a kidney instead of what I really did, which was stand outside for a bit.
I only realised what was going on when I made an awkward joke about dog stealing. He looked at me, gave me a patronising sniff-laugh, but stayed anyway because he couldn't just walk off and leave his pet. I made another crap joke, he laughed again - trapped. But eventually, the conversation moved away from dogs and we talked about work and favourite places around the world. Since I wasn't from around the neighbourhood he gave me his number in case I needed to know about any good parks if I was to take the little prince out again.
I've seen this done in films but it's always the other way round. Men using cute puppies to pick up squeally women. Do I need to get a dog? Maybe having someone else's dog shows I'm seemingly considerate enough to help a friend, I'm good with animals but I've got no commitments. Walking someone else's pet says "this isn't my dog, but I'm capable of dogs".
This is so exciting. This is what it must've felt like to discover the treasure inside the pyramids. This is new territory to me so I'm going to need collect data to work out what is the best way to meet men using dogs. Please, use the comments box underneath. Here's what I want to know in the name of man-dog-science: have you ever met a man walking a dog? Was it your dog? Is there a dog rental service? Does it work with ferrets? Thanks.
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