Five Significant Exes Every Girl Has

14/08/2014 16:34 | Updated 22 May 2015

I've calmed down a little from last week's rolling around on the floor screaming. Finally, I got myself together and decided I was going to turn not getting in contact with the ex into a fun game - the timer's set on my phone, there's money going into a pot, it's like giving up smoking for wimps.

I've been reflecting on the five significant relationships I've had seeing if there's any pattern. There's not, but maybe you might recognise a few...

Five Significant Exes Every Girl Has

1. The High School Crush

Lovely. A sweet, normal guy who was smart and sensible. You're having a practice run at being in an adult. I get all misty eyed about people who've been with their first love their whole life and are outrageously happy. I'm more jealous they get to miss out our next guy...

Five Significant Exes Every Girl Has

2. The Cheat

Well, what else is there to say? He cheats on you, he'll cheat on the girl he's cheating on with someone else and will continue to cheat on everyone ever. You think you can change him when really, he's just a bad one. I spoke to this ex recently and he said "I don't have time to cheat on this girlfriend" while still trying to fire into me - I think I made a good decision. Once you realise this isn't something you're remotely interested in - put him in the bin.

Five Significant Exes Every Girl Has

3. The Wild Card

Probably comes after The Cheat, he's a definite rebound from being emotionally smashed up every day by the stress of betrayal. He'll be in a motorcycle gang, he'll have a ridiculous haircut - there'll be something novelty about him. Maybe he's far too spiritual and gets up at 5 am to meditate like my one did. Sure, he's interesting for a while but in the same way glow sticks are. Or pug dogs.

Five Significant Exes Every Girl Has

4. The Friend

Everything is great. You get on, you have the same sense of humour, you do things together, you're best friends but that's where it ends. The sex fades out and what you're left with is hanging out. Sometimes this works out so perfectly but if either of you have any sex drive it's heart breaking. You pretend it's ok until one day you're telling them about the new guy you've met. Awkward.

Five Significant Exes Every Girl Has

5. The Just-Not-Quite-Right

This was the one I have had the most difficulty with, it's when everything's in place; you have great sex, you laugh, you have similar taste in music. What's the problem? You have no idea. It's like throwing darts in the dark. Something's not right and it'll eat away at you. It's like eating a tasty sweet that has a faint taste of liquorice - it should be good, but... This is the worst one of all.

Have I missed any? What's going to come next? True love? If anyone's got any hot friends...

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