When you go blonde, everything changes - your priorities are thrown completely out of whack.
Even if you never go lighter than a dusty sand the temptation to bleach your barnet will be there endlessly niggling. On top of this, you know someone, somewhere will always out-blonde you. The worst place to be a bottle blonde is Scandinavia, avoid it at all costs. Trust me, I've been there, done that, felt inferior.
2. You're stony broke. Having to dye your hair every six weeks can be mind-bogglingly extortionate at worst, wildly expensive at best. You wish your blonde looked as incredibly fresh as Claire Danes', Reese Witherspoon's, Amanda Seyfried's (whose pictures you can't stop looking at, by the way) but your Waitrose ideas on a Tesco budget reality has never been so apparent.
3. Roots = the enemy. "Are my roots bad?", "can you see my roots?" and "are my roots really obvious?" are just some of the many, many questions your best friend, work colleagues, mum, dad, brother, stranger, police man, judge will get sick of you asking them.
4. You'll develop a weird relationship with your eyebrows. When you dye your hair lighter your eyebrows will become WAY more noticeable, and if you're trying to be a sly bottle blonde you might want to dye your forehead caterpillars as well. Before Cara Delevingne came along I was SO aware of my mousey brows compared to my white-blonde locks I came over all trigger happy with the tweezers. Hello permanently surprised face.
5. You'll wonder whether you'll ever be able to go back to your natural colour. As one colleague told me, getting rid of your blonde is like going through a messy divorce. It's heartbreaking, there's a hell of a lot of tears and it takes about two years to be finalised... And probably a decade to get over emotionally. Once I grew out all my blonde, I lasted three months au naturel, then I went blonde again. That's when I came up with the crystal meth analogy.
Now let's look at pictures of famous blondes...
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