Harry Potter fans, rejoice!
It's been nearly seven years since we heard any news of Harry, Ron and Hermione, but yesterday J.K Rowling finally broke the silence with a brand new despatch from the wizarding world on fan site Pottermore, full of updates on our old friends.
Of course, knowing her sense of humour, the new information is anything but straightforward.
The column comes from the quill of Rita Skeeter, the Daily Prophet reporter famous for her acid putdowns and knack for 'sexing up' the truth (any similarities to living journalists are purely coincidental).
It's no surprise, then, that her report is chock-full of rumour, speculation and innuendo. Writing from the Quidditch World Cup, which - of course - is taking place in Brazil, Rita's scandalous insinuations are not exactly music to a devoted fan's ears.
Last we heard from the gang, you may recall, Ron and Hermione were hitched, while Harry had settled down with Ron's sister, Ginny, and most of their other school chums had also been conveniently paired off. But Rita suggests there may be trouble in paradise.
Among her cheekiest observations: Harry, now aged 34, is starting to turn grey, while poor Ron is apparently losing his hair altogether.
Another subject of (baseless) speculation is the mysterious cut on Harry's cheek. Is it the result of his top-secret work for the Ministry of Magic, or could it be a curse from Ginny? Is their marriage on the rocks? Could Harry be heading for a breakdown?
As always, Rita doesn't let lack of evidence get in her way. "He shows no obvious signs of mental illness from a distance, but the public is not allowed close enough to make a proper assessment. Is this suspicious?" she muses.
Another Hogwarts couple, Neville Longbottom and Hannah Abbott, apparently enjoying quaffing the 'firewhiskey' a little too much.
It's not all bad, though. The new story confirms what the final book's epilogue had hinted about Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley, who Rita informs us are now permanently engaged in 'prolonged periods of... snogging'.
And Rita obviously hasn't lost her talent for crafting a bitchy one-liner. "Does Hermione Granger prove that a witch really can have it all?" she asks, before answering: "No – look at her hair."
The reaction to Rita's salacious gossip has been as indignant as anything seen at the Leveson inquiry, with fans rushing to defend their favourite characters from the tawdry tabloid rumours.
Not such a happy ending for the Hogwarts gang after all, perhaps? Mind you, everyone knows you have to take what you read in the papers with a grain of salt...
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