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So, Who Is New North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un?

Posted: 03/01/12 00:00

Following the death of Kim Jong Il, the eyes of the world fall on the rather rotund figure of his son, Kim Jong Un.

Little is known of the young man North Korean state media have dubbed 'The Supreme Leader', who will take the reins as the head of state of one of the world's least stable nuclear powers; a country with crushing poverty, absolutely no freedom of speech, and an unfinished 105-storey skyscraper in the centre of Pyongyang.

With so little known about the younger Kim I made it my mission to find out what I could, and present readers with 100 per cent true* Kim Jong Un facts.

- Kim rose to fame as the winner of the North Korean version of the X Factor, the lead singer of the boy band Jong Direction

- Sadly, all of the other members of Jong Direction died in absolutely identical accidents, nailing their own heads to IKEA coffee tables the day before their first record was due to be released

- His title of 'The Supreme Leader' has brought Kim into conflict with the other, original, Supreme Leader, singing legend Diana Ross

- Unlike his father (a staunch supporter of Pyongyang United FC), the young Kim is a fan of arch rivals Pyongyang City. Commentators speculate that United's 48-year run as North Korean champions has come to an end, particularly after all their players were found dead in absolutely identical chocolate Hob Nob accidents

- Determined to raise North Korea's image on the world stage, Kim Jong Un has commissioned a reality TV programme to showcase his exploits called 'The Only Way Is Songun Military-First Policy'. It will feature the enigmatic star Kim Jong Un, and a number of young ladies spray-painted orange

- Kim Jong Un has a mortal fear of barbers following a childhood 'Something for the weekend' trauma, and cuts his own hair

- His first executive order as North Korean leader is to have the 300-foot statues of Kylie and Dannii Minogue in the centre of Pyongyang torn down, and replaced with a 500-foot erection in honour of Tulisa out of N-Dubz

- A huge film fan just like his late father, Kim Jong Un is due to finance a Korean-language remake of his favourite movie, to be called 'Kim and Ted's Juche Revolutionary Adventure'

- As a precocious youth, Kim Jong-un was the North Korean Youth Cadre Songun Hide-and-Seek champion eight years in a row, all the other competitors dying in absolutely identical space hopper accidents. His prize each year was a great big pie

- The teenage Kim was educated in an exclusive English-speaking school in Switzerland. His stay in Europe coincided with the Great Swiss Kinder Egg Famine

- Kim Jong Un possesses the world's largest collection of Kinder Egg toys, including the fabled 'Lil Uzi 9mm' which was withdrawn after a number of accidents

- At last, the mysterious new owner of MySpace can be revealed

- According to Who's Who in North Korea, Kim's hobbies are shopping in IKEA, winning, looking at things, and pie

- Kim's father Kim Jong Il once famously kidnapped a film-maker and actress wife to force them to shoot a remake of his favourite movie Godzilla. In a completely unrelated development, Jamie Oliver is just about to receive a Pyongyang-postmarked letter asking him to sort out school dinners in the DPRK

Other Kims are available.

* And by '100 per cent true facts', I do, of course, mean 'complete and utter lies'.

 

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