Weddings. With a tiny baby. What could be worse?! Well, yes - we've all seen and heard the horror stories. But it doesn't have to be that way with some preparation and life hacks!
1. He'll chunder, spit up, probably leak all over, and generally ruin his first outfit. Decide if you want your baby to be in the same outfit in all wedding photos or, like any good presenter of the Oscars, have six or seven outfits for the event. Then either buy multiple versions of the one outfit, or a tonne of others.
2. Double or triple all the kit you have in the baby bag. Six nappies? Bring twelve. A pack of baby wipes? Two. One portable changing mat? Better make it three.
3. Arrive a few hours, or days, before the ceremony. You're gonna need to scout the set up for feeding areas, exits, isle seats and pram friendly access. Know your Alamo!
4. Accept that he'll be sick on you at some point.
5. And knowing that, make sure that the mum has various layers she can peel off after every sick or spit up incident. We're talking shawl, jacket, cardigan, dress. In that order. And definitely ensure she doesn't wear dark colours! Sick can blend into white or cream...
6. As a dad in a suit, make sure you never hold the baby...unless you can pull off a white or light suit. And if you can I'm jealous. Why? Because he could blow at any minute, and that's not a good look on a suit. This isn't your time to shine, chaps. And if you do have to hold the baby, make him face away from you. Claim it's so people can see his face, and can take photos of him...it's the perfect alibi.
7. Make sure he has an easily removable dribble bib so that he can 'blue steel' every photo. Bibs these days can look cool and jaunty, but after a couple of hours they look pretty shiny, and no amount of Instagram filters can make it look good...
8. Bring something to cover the pram for when he's sleeping. Everyone will want to stick their head in to get a look. Could you sleep like that? Me neither.
9. Stick a boob (or equivalent) in his face during the speeches and ceremony.
10. Prepare yourself for random relatives, friends and plus ones kissing your child.
11. It's time for a dummy or your little finger to shine. Plug that cry hole at the first sign of trouble.
12. But be cool with the fact that you may not see any of the good stuff - the ceremony, the bride, the speeches, any of the official photo shoot. When he cries, you need to get out of there. Head for the Alamo!
13. Revel in the fact that you'll probably be the centre of attention. Sorry bride, but today's not about you. It's about the baby.
14. Not staying overnight at the venue? Error. Make sure you find someone with a room who doesn't mind it being used for all manner of emergency baby procedures.
15. You'll no doubt be a veteran at eating with one hand and the baby on the other. But if not, it's a life skill, and you need to get on that! And for the wedding, ensure you're on a table with people you can pass the parcel to during the meals.
16. You're breast feeding but your wife loves champagne? Never fear. There's a life hack for you. Express into bottles before the big day and then you can not only fob him off to doting friends and family to feed, but she can knock back the bubbles guilt free.
17. Take two cars or ensure Uber go that far out... Because if it really gets too much and the baby needs to make a sharp exit (and you've not chugged the champers) but one of you is a bridesmaid or groomsman, then it's not the end of the world.