A decline in Christmas spirit over the past years has made it increasingly difficult for Santa to ride his sleigh out of Lapland or Scunthorpe or wherever he's from. To counter this problem, television companies are looking to pick a completely fictional character from one of their many favourite TV shows to act as a replacement, using social buzz instead of Christmas cheer to deliver presents. Here are the candidates:
The undisputed champion of hot topic in the last few months, Mr White would make a fine candidate for new Santadom were it not for his immense greed, inclination for murder and a worry on our parts that all our children would receive meth amphetamine in their Christmas stockings. Christmas is already addictive enough.
Looking at christmas gifts, Christmas narcotics aren't yet a readily available option, so the dream is still far away.
Don't underestimate the little guy. Although he may get confused with the elves at time, successful reign of a kingdom is something only one can do. Tyrion would make a brilliant choice. Make sure he becomes the hand of the Christmas!
Negative points include children perhaps not trusting a man with a sword slash across his face, and drunkenness not being a favourable attribute of Christmassy ones.
Orange Is the New Black star Piper is an Actress, but the actual Piper Kerman lived the story and is actually a real character in real life. As the only other real character other than Tyrion Lannister, she goes quite high up on the list. This way we cover our back against misogyny and LGBT issues in one fell swoop. Come to think of it, a Lady Santa may be better at buying presents for me. She does seem to lack the immense defects of the other candidates here though, and we're not sure if that's a good thing or not.
We can speculate all we like about who'd the make the best Santa in the normal, everyday world that we're used to, but we need to someday face that there will inevitably be a zombie outbreak soon. In this unavoidable situation Santa will have probably been eaten because he's fat and can't run away from his presents, so we'll need a replacement.
What better replacement, then, than Sheriff Deputy Rick Grimes. Despite the vast array of Walking Dead memorabilia, his gift to the mostly-undead population will be a shotgun blast to the head. Go get'em, Grimes Claus.
If there's one thing that goes hand-in-hand with Christmas Day, apart from presents, is advertising. For most, it's the biggest opportunity for selling whatever people sell of the year, and with Don Draper at the top of the snow-tipped corporation that is Christmas, you can expect present-buying conversion rates to go up by approximately 25%.
The alternative to this, however, is that he uses your innocent Christmas wish lists to create whopping straplines for his clients.
Christmas... It's toasted.