I have just come out of a horrid ordeal that I really didn't want to write about. But it is through sharing our experiences that we learn.
As some of you may have read already I have been trying for a baby for a while now. I have had a miscarriage from a blighted ovum that I blogged about at the time. One year later, being considered an 'older' woman (39) I was told I needed fullblown fertility tests as did my husband.
I could deal with the endless bloods, scans and prodding but everything in my body told me not to do anything too intrusive. Cameras through the cervix and dye into the uterus being such treats in store for me.
But I listened to the quacks and the rational side of my brain. Others did it and so should I. I should stop being a crybaby.
I did a test - a hysterogram - to check my tubes and uterus that involved pumping dye into me.
Sadly and ironically the test gave me a bug that may have screwed up what was normal and healthy. A form of pelvic inflammatory disease. I was put on heavy antibiotics straightaway and told to rest. Two weeks later spent in Middle Eastern sunshine I am finally finding my feet. Ironically the only way of knowing whether there was damage is to do the same test again. No thanks.
I went through every emotion afterwards and was blessed to have a doctor in A and E who broke down with me in tears as she had also been trying for a baby for two years.
For years, centuries we looked to the stars, to our own bodies to figure out what was right for us. The Elizabethans used moods to analyse sickness. My recent experience is that western medicine has become totally disconnected from humanity. I was a vessel to be pumped up with iodine. A hormone count to analyse. No one asked how I felt, if I was okay. I have friends going through the same process who have had depression or even split up with their partner due to the pressure. Making a baby becomes functional, desperate, the opposite of making love.
My instinct told me and still does that if I want a baby it will come naturally or if it doesn't maybe it is not meant to be. Others have a different vibe about the whole thing and are comfortable with fertility treatment, IVF or other procedures. But for me and for many of my friends the cost was getting too high. It made me sick, frustrated, anxious and most of all I lost me.
Ironically I just spent my hols with my husband and stepdaughter. Nothing was missing, I was with my family and it completed me. But when I was in the medical baby-making process I constantly felt like I was failing, that I had to have a baby to be a woman. I was jealous of mums with bumps as I waited to be told I had polyps and PCOS and blah blah blah. Our local suburban town screamed with pushchairs and buggies and our spare rooms echoed with emptiness.
This is my last blog on trying to have a baby. I am putting it aside and letting nature take it course. "Que sera sera" as my dad said.
For all those women in a similar place, don't listen to anyone else's judgement but your own. Everyone has their opinion about what you should do. Listen but don't do anything that feels uncomfy. If in doubt, don't.
As I have learnt no good comes from something done half heartedly. In fact I am so sure babies only come into this world when the heart is totally full, full of love and confidence.