Do you want to become an instant techx-pert? Yes you do? Good. Because social media guru Oulu Franchester-Hellcombe is on hand to answer your questions. Here are the internet agony aunt's top tips for social success online.
TWITTERING FOR BIRDS
'I'm a Canada Goose. Ironically, perhaps, there aren't that many regular avian tweeters. How can I get more Twitter followers?'
Colin The Canada Goose, Slimbridge Bird Sanctuary, Gloucestershire
Oulu Franchester-Hellcombe replies: Colin, you sound like a lovely goose and I certainly would not roast you for Christmas lunch! Try to engage with your existing followers, make good use of hashtags, and tweet about things you can really sound like an expert about - such as flying, making alarming screeching noises and eating bits of stale bread off the floor. Xxxx, OFH.'
'Why do members of the public who comment on stuff online either not understand the joke and come across as thoroughly mean - or else just sound batsh*t crazy?'
OFH: 'Commenters aren't like you and I Ayesha. Many news websites clone commenters on special farms and keep them locked in tiny pens, fed on a diet of wild mushrooms. Mail Online keeps thousands of commenters down a well in Somerset. The lack of daylight partially explains the bizarre outbursts these peeps come up with. HASHTAG CRINGE!!!'
'I think my ex-boyfriend is still looking at photos of me on Facebook and w***ing over them.'
Maria-Luzia, Sao Paulo, Brazil
OFH: 'He is. Block him.'
'Hi, can you tell me if there's a quick way of saying I want to 'laugh out loud' when I'm online?'
Alyssa, Boston, Massachusetts
'Oulu - you're a fashion blogger as well so can I ask your advice? I've got a date with a high-ranking, secretly gay government minister at Gordon's Wine Bar this Friday. Should I wear my red Topman chinos? He's a Tory.'
'Hi, I'm a reprehensible a***hole who lives in Dalston and deserves to be shot. I wear school shoes with no socks and perform excruciatingly naïve poetry at spoken word nights, yet for some reason girls with English degrees from redbrick universities can't get enough of me. I am a part-time PR and recently formed an electro band (with myself) called X\X\X (we were featured in the Sound of 2012). Could you suggest three different letters I could change the name of my band to in order to get better SEO results?'
'I used to be a force for good but now I've become a lacertilian conduit for the purest, most monstrous manifestation of corporate advertising-led evil. Does capitalism inevitably corrupt?'
Sergey, Palo Alto, California
OFH: 'OMG Sergey! My parents are both corporate lawyers who met over a glass of chilled Perrier-Jouët and a Le Creuset dish brimful of gooey Raclette at a chalet in Chamonix some years ago. These days Daddy is often in Dushanbe or Bishkek or Almaty signing off large arms deals masterminded by Central Asian tyrants which result in localised human rights catastrophes. But he always buys me and Mum a lovely big Christmas pressie - so he's not all bad!'
'I'm a young journalist and I quite like the idea of writing long form articles in newspapers and magazines. I wouldn't mind writing for blogs and websites if some of them actually paid me for doing that. Is there any hope at all for the future or should I just go down to the Leeds & Liverpool Canal this afternoon and slit my wrists?'
OFH: 'Oh Flora, your question made me ROFL!'
'Oulu, you're a fictional character who doesn't exist. I created you as a vehicle for some slapdash Sunday afternoon satire. So how come you're doing webchats on your own now?'
OFH: 'You don't understand fictional women at all, do you Chris? You need to spend an afternoon on Pinterest. Xoxo, OFH.'
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