THE BLOG

How to Go Out With a Prince

10/11/2015 17:01 GMT | Updated 06/11/2016 10:12 GMT

I can't remember ever wanting to marry a prince when I was little. In fact, aged three, the first person I wanted to marry was Jesus (come on - you got presents on his birthday and chocolate on the day he rose from the dead, what's not to love?) Then it was Han Solo. And then it was Indiana Jones. Basically it was Harrison Ford in all forms, and that lasted for a long time, until he got his ear pierced and started taking barging holidays in North Wales. Princes in stories were a bit meh with their funny stockings and their habit of swanning in at the end when most of the drama was over.

'But what about real princes?' I hear you shriek. Good point. As we all know, pretty much anyone can go out with a real prince these days. 'Hurray!' you might now be shouting, 'bring me my ermin cape!' Just hang on a tick, though - perhaps we ought to go through a little checklist first to see if you really want this gig or not.

1/ Are you an animal person? Because royals do love their pets. George III and his cheetah. Queen Victoria and her Tibetan goats. Princess Anne and that bear Russia gave her. Anyone who doesn't love dogs really needs to give up and reopen their Tinder profile because that just isn't going to work.

2/ Can you talk to absolutely ANYONE? 'Ma'am - this is the President of China.' 'Ma'am, this is 97-year old Mrs Graves who broke her hip'. 'Ma'am, this is four-year old Peter who did you this drawing of a rabbit'. 'Ma'am these are the gentlemen from the Irish Rare Birds committee you are patron of'. If you can slap a smile on your face and be charming and interested, no matter what your mood, then please fill out a princess application form.

3/ Can you toe the line? Things are much more relaxed these days (less sending to prison for no reason / beheading, thank goodness), but some house rules still apply. For example, Princess Anne is expected to curtsy to Camilla when she is with Charles, and Kate is expected to curtsy to Eugenie and Beatrice when she is not with William. If you feel you could only do this having hysterics / feeling very annoyed, step away from the prince now.

4/ Are you into fancy dress? Because you will have to get your head round a lot of regalia. The big Order of the Garter hats with the feathers. The family tiaras. The odd cape. You will also have to put up with your husband occasionally wearing a kilt. Try not to look at the long socks. There's no need to upset yourself unnecessarily.

If none of these things faze you, then congratulations - you have passed the first rudimentary test on your long journey to royal status. Let us all take a moment to remember that Prince Harry is still knocking about, getting more adorable by the second (that beard). As for George - it is quite clear that we have a future heartbreaker on our hands. Anyone who can make long socks look good has got to be a winner.