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What Your Child's Favourite CBeebies Show Says About You

13/01/2016 16:58 GMT | Updated 05/05/2017 13:16 BST

Family broadcasting is big business - there are lots of kid shows on air. As the gatekeepers of screen time, mums often play a role in which TV programs their children like. What your kids watch says a lot about you as a parent. For instance...

Teletubbies:

You hate yourself. You chew your fingernails, listen to Nickelback, and eat baked beans straight from the tin. You're dating a spray-tanned, pony-tailed, soul-patched, imbecile called Tony whose favourite pastime is criticising your appearance. Like Tony, you also have an orange glow, but it's not from tanning. It's from cirrhosis, secondary to the daily gallon of gin you consume to cope with the trifecta of irritation that is Winky, Dipsy, and Laa-Laa.

Balamory:

You voted for Scottish independence in 2014. You swell with national pride, but like the rest of your countrymen, you are too cheap to donate money to improve the production quality of Balamory, and so it remains the worst CGI in the history of television.

Peppa Pig:

You tacitly approve of the way Mummy Pig fat-shames Daddy Pig.

Big Barn Farm:

You are overly optimistic about farm life, believing it must smell like flowers - and in a way, it does - if those flowers were edible, like dandelion or elderflower - and have been consumed, digested, and eliminated as waste.

In the Night Garden:

You love The Lord of The Rings so much that your son's middle name is Legolas. Specifically, you love the third movie - the one where the characters just say goodbye to one another for three hours, attempting to be increasingly profound in an epic battle of farewell one-upmanship. Whilst the majority of the LOTR audience has grown weary of Elijah Wood's stunning blue eyes, and have begun to wish that he had thrown himself into Mordor with Gollum, you glory in the extended "director's cut", wherein Peter Jackson gives you a tour of his real-life hobbit hut and showcases the hair transplants he added to his toes in order to more closely resemble Bilbo Baggins.

Peter Rabbit:

You have no regard for classic literature, and are willing to subject your kids to this debased animation of Beatrix Potter's life's work. Quick question: Which of these are not original characters from the beloved children's books?

A) Squirrel Nutkin

B) Crack-Lady Catnip

C) Jeremy Fisher

D) Halitosis Hampster

That's what I thought. You probably think that the Lake District is one large, open-air toilet, too.

Octonauts:

You have a vague interest in aquatic life. You eat tuna, but only the dolphin-safe kind, because you like to pick and choose which sea creatures are worth killing and have yet to realise that dolphins are the known adulterers of the marine world.

Melody:

You are anti-screen time, but make an exception for Melody. After all, she teaches classical music appreciation to your ONLY child. You smugly roll your eyes at the mum entertaining her brood with an iPad at the GP surgery. Go ahead and enjoy your sanctimony now, because when you have children numbers two, three and four, you'll let them watch Fight Club - or even (gasp!) Teletubbies - if it buys you ten minutes of peace.

The Clangers:

You did a lot of drugs in university. Slide whistle voices make perfect sense to you.

Baby Jake:

You're pregnant with your second child. You worry that your toddler won't adjust to the new baby and that you'll always carry guilt over the fact that you robbed her of attention. News flash: Your toddler WON'T adjust to the new baby, and you WILL always carry guilt that you robbed her of attention.

Grandpa in my Pocket:

You fell asleep on the couch and forgot that this creeptastic program is still on the air.

Justin's House, Gigglebiz, Mr Tumble:

You don't know the difference between these shows because they all star that one jolly cross-dressing guy, whom your kid adores.

Space Pirates:

You are a huge Star Trek fan. You own Spock ears and defend the acting laurels of William Shatner. Much like the producers of Star Trek, you feel ethnic diversity is important on the Starship Enterprise, but hypocritically, you also feel that a woman's place is in a spandex jumpsuit.

For the record, we are an Octonauts and Peppa Pig family - fat-shaming with a side of dolphin-safe tuna.