THE BLOG

Perk After Perk After Perk

04/08/2015 00:04 BST | Updated 03/08/2016 10:59 BST

There are so many perks to this fathering gig. I just cannot believe the benefits of having a small child with you, wherever you go. I'm pretty sure that I outrank old age pensioners, the disabled, war veterans, sick animals and even other children. The list is endless and I take full advantage of it at every opportunity.

I'm going to share two of these perks now:

You can look like a homeless person - When my second son was born I went about two weeks without a shower, and wore the same pair of jogging bottoms for ten days straight. New born babies give you that wonderful excuse to show zero care about your personal hygiene, as everyone knows it's all about looking after them.

There were some days, especially when I needed a shave, where I genuinely looked like a tramp. I actually did the school run one day when I was looking particularly rough. I had the ten day old jogging bottoms on, and they were looking pretty bad. There was baby sick and milk stains all over them, and I didn't even have them tied up very tight so they were slipping down exposing my underpants. I also had my South Korea football shirt on as this provides me with most comfort, and I look cool in it. On top of that I had a jumper that I picked up from a pile of dirty washing as I was cold and couldn't find anything else. My hair was a bird's nest; say no more on that one. My stubble was growing stubble and I had bags under my eyes that would give droopy the dog some serious competition. The other parents must have thought I'd gotten lost on the way to buy some more special brew.

Blame them for EVERYTHING - Sorry but this is another one which may cause a bit of controversy. Little children who can't talk cannot defend themselves when questioned, which leads to the wonderful ability to blame them for some of the many mistakes you make. The advantage is twofold. Firstly you can blame them for breakages and general mess.

We've all been there as dads, I just know it. You are kicking a little play ball around the lounge, messing around with your toddler. Hoping to start them early so they are ready for when Barcelona or Real Madrid come knocking on their seventh birthday. You get over excited and you boot the ball a bit too hard. It flies across the room and CRASH, you've taken out a little ornament. Whoops. When your other half comes home you have constructed some elaborate story about how your toddler was in his walker, and he ran too fast at the bookcase. This in turn caused the ornament to roll off the top and smash to the ground. Perfect. There's no way that she won't buy that as he charges around in that thing all the time.

The second advantage is pure genius, so much so I was unsure if I would even include it. All dads pass wind, but the opportunities to do so are few and far between. As sure as eggs are eggs we will let out a little trouser cough whenever the need arises (and it smells like them too). Obviously, from time to time, they are going to smell quite pungent. So having the ability to shift blame to someone who, let's be honest smells of poo a LOT of the time, is an absolute win. I have gone from invading peoples nostrils on a daily basis, to masking it quite wonderfully behind the smell of a sodden, dirty nappy. The only time this doesn't work is when I am without the kids. Then I'm back to holding them in. This is where I don't want to be. Holding a fart in at work for instance, is like trying to walk a tightrope that's suspended five millimetres above raw sewage. Inevitably you will fail, and almost certainly you will smell.