Apparently I should be furious with Alec Baldwin, Eminem and (if I even knew who he was) James Arthur.
Because they've been flinging the words 'cocksucker' 'faggot' and 'queer' at anyone who's upset them. These three icons of virile masculinity have decided its handbags at dawn and god help any paparazzi, second-rate rapper or critic who dares rain on their parade.
As a great believer in bitchy put downs and a connoisseur of all things cock related, I can't say I'm really bothered or impressed by their choice of insults. Supposedly 'straight' men calling each other names and things related to what I've been doing (and grown rather good at) these past twenty years barely make a ripple on my consciousness. If I really wanted to hear something deeply offensive I'd listen to the voicemail Alec Baldwin left for his 11-year-old daughter during his custody battle with Kim Basinger.
And if I really wanted to see something offensive I'd watch Eminem posturing like a 'gangsta from the hood' with his perfectly made up and botoxed face, bleached blonde hair and trousers showing more arse than a Go Go boy dancing at a Gay Pride Parade.
When it comes to firing insults at each other most gay men don't go in for name calling, it's more likely we are going to very quickly decipher our opponents insecurities and go straight for the jugular. It seems every straight mans Achilles heel is to infer that they maybe gay, or for want of some better words, a 'stick slurper' and a 'shirt lifter'.
Gay men don't really have an Achilles heel because everybody knows we spend our downtime at home wandering around in them.
Through the years there have been so many derogatory words used to describe or identify someone who may be gay that I yearn for an original or thought provoking term to describe all of the queens and fairies worldwide. Some of these 'insults' have been adopted and claimed by the gay community and are now used as terms of affirmation and activism. 'Queer' doesn't really cut it as a putdown since the gay community started singing 'We're here, we're queer and we're not going shopping' at Gay Pride marches in the early 1990's.
Not only does the word 'queer' seem outdated and cliched as an insult, the whole idea that gays ever stopped going shopping seems to be too.
Sissy, Nancy and Mary Ellen no longer work because they are the go to names for every gay cat owner worldwide. 'Ass Vandal' isn't an insult, more a term of endearment or what most of us are looking for on a Saturday night and 'Butt Pirate' is my favourite choice of outfit every Halloween. It seems the world is running out of new and original names to call the pansies and the poop pushers.
I think the bigger issue is not how offended the gay community will be when a so called 'celebrity' lets rip with a homophobic rant but more the reasons why grown men deem being a receiver of swollen goods anything less than a life style of utter fabulousness? I've spent the past 20 years making sure I'm a 'big girls blouse' and the biggest 'fruit' in the fruit bowl. I've been a 'Vagina Decliner', a 'Booty Snatcher' and a 'Pillow Biter'. The 'Homos' the 'Poofters' the 'Fudge Packers' and the 'Rump Roasters' are all my best friends or people I've slept with.
There isn't one name in the world you could call me that I'd find offensive, ridiculous or downright stupid.
Other than Alec Baldwin, Eminem or that 'too ugly to be gay 'one from X Factor.
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