The flat was empty, the rain was howling, and the gym's 'Sign Me Up!' page had been staring at me for the past half hour - judging me as I finished off the digestives and salivated over the 'Read My Hips' rump steak on Dinner Date. 'No contract, no hassle' it read, which we all know really means 'I know you're new to this, and it's OK that you want a cheap gym membership, so why not sign up, struggle through a few classes, and then abruptly cancel when you get over this sudden fitness phase you're going through?' I see you 'Sign Me Up' page, and I know your game.
I should have just dedicated my time to rating the worst Dinner Date puns of all time, but instead, I picked up my piece of plastic, typed in those all-important numbers, and before I knew it, I was the newest member of a gym. It didn't matter that said gym was a 50 minute bus journey away, it was cheap. And I was feeling impulsive.
I don't #eatclean. I regularly think of ways to validate a KFC Fully Loaded Box Meal, and nine times out of ten, you'll be sure to find a bottle of Pinot Grigio in the fridge, patiently awaiting my return.
Over the next few days, I spent £30 on an anti-bounce, anti-sag, anti-wearing-anything-cute-to-the-gym-now-this-thing-takes-over-my-entire-upper-region sports bra. I raided Sweaty Betty's autumn/winter collection and spent three month's worth of membership on a 'Hey, you think THIS is trendy? Wait 'til you see what I wear when I'm NOT in the gym!' outfit, and, I followed Mille Mackintosh on Instagram. Obviously. But hey! Don't judge me, I go to the gym now.
I traded in cups of tea for zesty hot water. I downloaded only the best fitness apps, and I took unflattering pictures of my naked body, ready for my highly-anticipated 'before and after' Instagram shot. I mean, that's just how things go when you go to the gym now.
I bought a bag of kale. I investigated the best juicers on the market, and I watched every video I could get my hands on of the MIC cast doing their best planks in a London park. But hey, don't judge me, I go to the gym now.
I wore my new Nike Air Max at all times. I frowned as I walked past McDonald's, and I felt unashamedly good as my flat mate tucked into a large pepperoni pizza in front of the tele. "You haven't even been to a gym class yet!" she yelled. I guess people will say anything when you go to the gym now.
My carefully-selected Sweaty Betty outfits slowly turned into black leggings and an oversized t-shirt. My classes were suddenly based around which days of the week I felt like washing my hair. My bag of kale went rotten and I could no longer watch Mille Mackintosh push it to the limit with resistance bands.
I found reasons to have a KFC Fully Loaded Box Meal. I opened that bottle of Pinot Grigio, and I deleted all the fitness apps from my phone (because of the lack of space on my iPhone, obviously).
The flat was empty, the rain was howling and the gym's 'No contract, no hassle' screen had been staring at me for the past half hour - judging me as I tucked into a large pepperoni pizza. "You haven't even been to a gym class yet!", it yelled.
"HEY GYM!" I shouted. "I've got better things to do now." And with that, I started to compile my exhaustive list of the worst Dinner Date puns of all time. Because that's just the type of thing you do when you no longer go to the gym now...