Greetings earthlings. Well I must say 2012 has got off to a splendid start. Not so long ago I had to introduce myself to everybody thus: "No, not him, the other Miliband. Ed. No, not him, the other Ed."
Not any more though eh? Now, finally, everybody knows who I am. Only this week I was accused by Maurice Glasman of having no strategy, no narrative and showing little chance of breaking through. I think I can safely say he'll have to bock down from that now. I mean back down.
A lot of you are probably asking yourselves, what am I, the leader of the Opposition to one of the most unpopular governments, ever, doing tweeting about the death of a former TV quiz show host? And after that tweet, I might ask myself the same question! Ha ha, just joking. (Or even, ho ho! See you can interchange those offending letters there and it doesn't make any difference.)
(And here too - how did I become Leader of the Opposition? I got the block vote. I mean the... no I was right first time. Ha ho!)
Well the answer is, people in the Labour Party have criticised Tony Blair, because, let's face it, he was a lousy prime minister who tried to make us like the Tories and took us to war. But one thing he was very good at was hogging the headlines whenever someone uncontroversially famous died.
Anyway, come on everybody, this is Twitter we're talking about, not the political stage. If you're not yabbering on about what you ate for breakfast, you're all making snide remarks about Celebrity Big Brother, or 'David' as he's known in our house.
The main thing this has done though is bury the bad news about me having no strategy. The truth is, having no strategy is the most important strategy to have in opposition. As soon as I open my mouth about something I'm accused of being irrelevant because I'm in opposition so no one's going to give a damn what my strategy is.
This is how I see it: Gordon Brown was the least popular prime minister in 84 years - and Cameron still couldn't beat him. Which okay, doesn't say much for me right now. But if Cameron can't even beat someone as unpopular as Gordon Brown, what chance does he have against me? Best to sit back and let the coalition fight among themselves.
Another thing Glasman says is that Labour isn't winning the arguments about the economy. To which I say: Balls.
So how does my new found notoriety affect our chances of breaking through? I don't think 'Blackbustergate' has done any harm to our chances of winning the next election. Because, frankly, even before it happened we were never going to win the next election.
I learned today that there's no such thing as bad publicity, and what's more, everyone's stopped rabbiting on about poor old Maggie and that bloody movie. So from now on I shall be putting forward all my policies via Twitter. Here goes:
Schools: I believe the most important thing for this country is immigration. I mean, education.
The cuts: Bring back national service. I mean, bring back the civil service.
Next election: Vote for Ed Miliband! I mean, vote for David Miliband!
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