In 2007 when everyone suddenly abandoned Myspace and migrated to a new social network called Facebook I was convinced it wouldn't last.
I mean, Myspace, MSN, Dollz Mania and Bebo died a death and I, somewhat stupidly, assumed this jazzed up online phonebook would meet a similar fate.
Seven years later we're still on the bloomin' thing and can access the best part of a decade worth of cringeworthy status updates and even more cringeworthy selfies (although they were just called photos in the days of yore) in a tap of a touch pad - only people who work in HR still use computer mice (mouses?), amirite?
Leafing through your FB back catalogue is a troubling process and is sure to leave you completely distraught and breaking out in hives, because let's face it, there are some things you used to do on Facebook that are just not OK now. Here are just a select few:
1. Using the third person. Facebook used to have that odd 'is...' status update, which passive aggressively coerced you into typing about yourself in the third person and prompting painfully dull updates like, 'Ellen is... at home' and 'Ellen is... sticking to Myspace' and not forgetting, 'Ellen... is on BBM. Her addy is A12936573J1′.
2. Taking a camera - that isn't attached to your phone - on a night out to Oceana, taking 102 pictures and then uploading them all to FB under the inspired album name 'WKD Wastemen'.
3. Friending people after meeting them once, for 10 minutes. You only don't even know their surname but, putting to use all your newly acquired detective skills, you track them down via friends of friends of friends cousins profiles.
4. Friending people with the same name as you - or a similar enough name you it warrants acknowledgement. 'Ellen Stewart is now friends with Ellen Mary Stewart, Mary Ellen Stewart, Ellen Stuart and Helen Pewart'.
5. Proudly sporting a fully filled out 'About me' section complete with attendance at 'the school of hard knocks', your occupation as a 'female body inspector' and your extremely questionable religious views which you describe as 'smoke weed everyday'.
6. Liking purposeless pages for no apparent reason aside from looking super cool and zeitgeisty in front of all your new digital friends. What? 'It was all going fine until I had my first jagerbomb', 'Bus wankers' and 'Ungai' genuinely used to post some lol-worthy content.
7. Writing in-jokes and haikus in the 'Notes' section because you're an unpublished talent.
8. Stalking your boyfriend's ex girlfriends... Oh, wait.
9. Setting your age as 118. Because you don't want people to know your actual age because, um, because...
10. Having a joint profile with your BFF because you're so inseparable you're pretty much the same person. Then branching out on your own on the sly and causing great offence and a huge row when she discovers your betrayal.
11. Alliteration. 'Ellen is... literally loving a lush lunch with her lovely ladies in London'.
12. Avoiding punctuation and proper grammar at all costs because syntax is for boffins.
13. Typing in txt tlk. Tht mns n vwls.Suggest a correction