Life with small children isn't always one big Boden catalogue - especially if you're a Scummy Mummy (or Daddy.) So here are our top tips for getting through the day.
1. Avoid that awkward 'Are you pregnant?' conversation.
Have you got a tummy that confuses friends, family and fellow commuters? Upcycle that Baby On Board badge and no one will ever ask how far along you are again!
2. Make trousers last longer.
Little one outgrowing those tracksuit bottoms already? Stick them in a pair of wellies. Ta-da! Good for another three months.
3. Everywhere's a party with the Tommy Tipsy!
Spray paint a kiddy's beaker for an easy way to smuggle wine into those tedious school concerts, baby yoga classes etc.
4. Days out don't have to be pricey.
Save money by taking kids to the "free zoo" - or as it's otherwise known, Pets At Home. For another cheap outing, let them run wild at the "Scandinavian-style soft play" (Ikea mattress department.)
5. Get yourself a Mummy Bib.
Invest in a scarf - they're like muslins for mums. Great for mopping up sick, wiping noses and hiding a bad hair day. Can even be used as a nappy in an emergency.
6. Teach your kids it's bedtime as soon as The Archers comes on.
Then download the theme tune, hide the clocks and just hit play whenever you're ready for the day to end.
7. Make your own fishy lollies.
Everyone loves a fish finger. When the weather's nice and hot, why bother cooking them?
Mmm, It's like Captain Birdseye sashimi.
8. Bedroom fun! Design your own penis beaker.
Save the environment and maintain personal hygiene at the same time by recycling an old baked bean tin. Or, if you married well, a Pringles tube.
9. Teach your children to call McDonald's "the Farmers' Market."
No one will judge you if the kids loudly announce they went to the farmers' market for lunch again yesterday. For bonus points, refer to Happy Meals as "mezze platters" and the free toys as "falafel."
10. Wine makes everything better.
Just pour yourself a nice, big glass (or mug, if it's still only teatime) and drink up. There now.
But really, there's only one parenting life hack anyone needs:
Remember to laugh.
Laughter will get you through the tears, the tantrums, and the tough times. It will sustain you through disastrous day trips and marathon Peppa Pig sessions. Laughing with your partner will keep your relationship alive. Laughing with your kids will remind you why you had them. And laughing at yourself is a great way to remember that nobody's perfect - your best is good enough, even when it's rubbish.
The Scummy Mummies xSuggest a correction