13 Reasons Why Sex On The Beach Is The Absolute Worst

Sand gets everywhere.

12/07/2017 11:02

If popular culture is anything to go by, sex on the beach is something that everyone should be dying to tick off their sexual bucket list as soon as possible.

But what the films, TV shows and romantic songs fail to convey is just how bloody awkward it is trying to get it on while you’re lying on a pile of sand that just wants to shred your skin into tiny pieces.

Here are 13 reasons everyone should not be having sex on the beach. 

1. Worrying throughout that someone is going to recognise you.

2. Praying that no one sees you and calls the police. 

3. Having to ditch foreplay because the window of opportunity is so short.

4. Needing to keep an eye on the tide so you don’t drown.

5. Being unable to lie still because, so hot.

6. Throwing sand in your partner’s face every time you move. 

7. Exfoliating your genitals with the tiny granules.

8. Realising how many sensitive areas your body has.

9. Learning that saltwater does not maketh a natural lubricant.

10. Remembering you didn’t put suncream on all the naked parts.

11. Needing to get re-dressed immediately and play it cool.

12. Having to leave the beach with a used condom in your pocket.

13. Finding sand in every bodily crevice for the next three weeks. 

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