While sex can be enjoyable, it can also be disastrous.
Reddit user ‘TheNebula’ recently asked fellow internet users to describe the worst sex they ever had.
The question was met with an influx of cringeworthy tales, from the guy who farted (with a little more gusto than he’d hoped) to the lady who tore a membrane in her mouth.
Here are some of the most memorable...
1. The tongue twister
“Was giving my boyfriend oral sex and when he thrust into my mouth, his penis went under my tongue and tore the membrane that connects your tongue to the bottom of your mouth. Couldn’t move my tongue for about three weeks.”
2. The tear
“I was having drunk sex with my now-ex. She was normally on the pill but had forgotten to take it a couple days before, so we played it safe with a condom.
“So, here I am, going to town with my set of alcohol-numbed genitals, and things are going great.... until I feel something rip down there. In my drunk state of mind, I thought it was the condom, so I ask her if I should stop... until I start feeling something weird going on down there, and pull out, only to feel a gush of something wetting everything around us.
“So I run to the lights, and find a horrifying bloody mess all over my bed and when I look down, my dick is wrapped in a red balloon of blood. It wasn’t her period or anything of the sorts. I had ripped my foreskin and was bleeding profusely inside the condom.
“Have you ever had that kind of wound you don’t notice until a few minutes later, but when you actually see it, it starts hurting like hell and you cry like a baby? That happened.”
3. The rude interruption
“We were in my car after work near the woods. Half way through, someone bangs on the window yelling, ‘What the fuck are you doing?’
“It was her ex boyfriend.”
4. The massage oil mess-up
“Self heating massage oils that read “for external use only” are not fucking around with that warning label.
“Minute one great sex. Minute two ‘hmmm that’s a little warm’. Minute three both of us curled up in a fetal position with ice packs on our junk.”
5. The bent banana
“The classic pull back, thrust forward, and bend. Could not get back in the mood after that pain.”
6. The torturous stubble
“I got a disclaimer right off the bat ‘it’s been a while’. But that wasn’t even the problem. He shaved his entire body and was just starting to grow back. Being a hairy fella, every inch of him was covered in needle-like stubble.
“Thank God ‘it had been a while’ for him, because if it was any longer than the 20 seconds it was, I would have been bloody all over my body from his stubble rubbing against me.”
7. The jalapeño incident
“Was cutting up some jalapeño for dinner. Got frisky afterwards and decided to finger her. She starts screaming from jalapeño residue still on my fingers.
“After she cools down we decide to have sex. I start screaming from jalapeño residue still in her vag. We called it a night.”
8. The poke
“One of the girls I dated in college was very sheltered and it sometimes led to some interesting situations. The first time we attempted sex, she tried to finger that area between my butt and my balls and managed to stab her index finger down onto my left testicle, and she had decently long fingernails.
“I nearly puked from the pain. Needless to say, I was completely done with anything sexual after all that, and we just watched TV the rest of the evening while I sat on the couch whimpering.”
9. The asthma attack
“I had an asthma attack mid-way through sex with some random dude (I’m a woman). He was on top in missionary and I started gasping and trying to push him off me so I could get my inhaler.
“He starts saying ‘oh you like that?’ and went harder. He thought I was cumming. I was not.”
10. The poo palaver
“Was doing 69 and got pooped on... I saw it coming, so I was able to move a bit. It landed on my chest instead of my face.
“Took her home and deleted/blocked her number.”
11. The human vibrator
“Once had a girl sit on my penis and try to make her body vibrate while making the bzzzz sounds of a vibrator.”
12. The unfortunate fart
“Buckle up guys, because you’re in for a story. Several years ago, seeing a local girl and she’s at my place, lovely evening moves on to some light kissing, some touching, and pretty soon we’re naked, i’m lying back on my bed, she’s down using her mouth on me.
“Now being the gentleman that I am, I am focused on holding in a fart. I could leave and head to the bathroom, but she’s seriously good so, i’m just putting all my energy on keeping that fart inside me. Nothing too difficult, I can handle this if i keep my attention away from how great her mouth feels and focus on keeping my arse shut.
“After a while of fantastic tongue action, she looks up at me from between my legs and says: ‘Dont worry’
“Now up until now I hadn’t been worried at all. I was enjoying this evening, I was fully aware of the situation, and I had absolutely no cause to worry about anything. BUT, now she’d told me not to worry, i started worrying, I started worrying a lot. what was she into...
“Now, what I would LIKE to say happened next is this: she gently eased a VERY WELL lubricated thumb slowly inside my back passage, while keeping me in her mouth, and treated me with care and dignity.
“That did not happen.
“This happened... She said ‘don’t worry’, I started worrying, and then within a second, she rammed her thumb up my arse. Deep and dry, it felt like sandpaper being parted by a cheese grater.
“The shock of having a thumb forced inside me with the force of a thousand suns caused several things to happen, one i screamed, two i half sat up, and third and possibly worst, i released the fart i was holding...
“Which was not, as she suddenly discovered, a dry one.
“Her thumb was fully inside me and i released my clenched sphincter to allow the deep rumbling liquid hell forth.
“Picture what happens to the water when you put your thumb over the end of a hose pipe and spray it into the air, then replace water with shart, hosepipe with my arse, and the air with her face.
“She, understandably, jerked hard backward from the brown spray, however in doing this, she pulled her thumb straight back out of me, I clenched harder than a camels eye in a sandstorm, and then for SOME REASON... came.
“She screamed, and ran to the bathroom and turned the shower on. I fell back onto my pillow smelling of sweat, sh*t and cum.
“We don’t talk anymore.”
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