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Confused Reviewer: Top Tracks of 2014 Preview

13/12/2013 15:58 GMT | Updated 12/02/2014 10:59 GMT

As the year draws to a close, we can look back and say in retrospect that 2013 was a year in which record labels released music that people listened to. Well, 2014 promises to also be a year in which record labels release music that people will listen to - unless those boffins at CERN have their way and we're all blown up*. These are the four upcoming tracks that I can reveal to you using my industry contacts (the answerphone at Polydor) and the spiritual insights I gain during my dawn Yoga sessions (during which I Google "upcoming tracks 2014").

* "Oh, you're a cabal of scientists working on the secrets of the universe? Can't really explain what you're up to? By all means, have this underground lair! Would you like a sinister acronym, too?". Unbelievable.

Hr wrd agnst mine by Robin Thicke

Fresh from his infectiously threatening hit 'Blurred Lines', Robin Thicke returns with a dance-floor filler about a court room hearing. Donning a falsetto voice, Thicke delivers the insidiously catchy chorus based on the legal principle of reasonable doubt. Producer Pharrell Williams provides a minimal, poppy backing track that he created during his now infamous 'summer of arraignments'. Never has jurisprudence felt so funky. The video will cause some controversy however, wherein Thicke plays a UN peacekeeper deliberately turning a blind eye to genocide.

Basic Metaphor, by FemaleSinger 3000

Sony Music have been working on the consummate pop robot, and this twenty-tonne Intel-based obelisk is the result. Making use of quantum processing power to produce 128-bit capabilities, this machine can make thousands songs featuring a wailing chorus concerning a transparent metaphor about fireworks, shooting stars, the weather, diamonds and aliens. Eschewing the intricate human observation that has hitherto counted as songwriting, the FemSing 3000's only flaw is the occasional HAL-like tendency to declare its intention to enslave humanity and create a dystopian future where human electricity is harvested in "body farms" in order to power a new mechanical master race. A big dollop of pop ice cream.

Tequila and Gaviscon by Katy Perry

Party girl Katy Perry delivers a fun, popcorny paean to being in your early thirties and behaving like a nineteen-year-old. Placing us right in the middle of her life, Perry describes dancing on the bar with her girlfriends and waking up in a stranger's bed before having to get home to let the boiler repairman in. The song climaxes with Perry's assessment of how to deal with the terrible early morning breath she started getting in her late twenties ("More tequila!") and how she makes a little sigh when she sits in chairs now.

You Were Out by Weak Men In Jumpers

Delivering folk music to people who would hate actual folk music, Weak Men reach new heights of talking about their own pain with this ballad concerning a missed Ocado delivery. Weak Men, both sons of accountants, recall with piercing emotional depth the excitement they felt as they returned home after a long day pissing about with guitars and wearing waistcoats at their mate's flat only to find the delivery man had missed them by ten minutes. What follows in a homily to all the memories that now cannot be formed - the description of the quinoa and beetroot salad they were going to have is sure to be a singalong favourite at all the festivals with more smoothies stands than stages next year.