THE BLOG

How My Brain Tumour Transformed Me From a 34B to a 36FF

08/07/2015 21:57 BST | Updated 08/07/2016 10:59 BST

The transformation from 34B to 36FF is possibly the single positive outcome of having a brain tumour, or at least having an operation for the removal of a brain tumour.

Women pay thousands for a boob job and mine came free with brain surgery.

Let's be entirely honest here, it was less the brain tumour itself and more the steroid medication the docs whacked me on to the moment I was diagnosed that caused the dramatic change from barely-there boobs to a full on Katie Price frontage.

Although I had never yearned for KP-size appendages, it was clearly something of an evolutionary hiccup that I didn't possess them; my late mother, when young in the 1940s was compared to Jean Harlow, aka the Blonde Bombshell, for the combination of blonde hair and generous bosom; while my adult daughters, both in their 30s now, inherited their grandmother's cup-size while the Boob Gene passed me by.

In fact, until my medical misfortunes, the only time I had boobs bigger than a B-cup was aeons ago - when I was pregnant and after, using my breasts for the purpose God and nature intended, i.e. to feed babies. They (the boobs, not the babies) obligingly expanded for said purpose, but as soon as each baby was on to solids, my boobs returned to their mammary status quo - a B-cup - faster than you could say "lactation termination".

I have, of course, had to entirely rethink my post-brain tumour wardrobe. From having neat little boobs that barely intruded and allowed me to wear dresses and tops of almost any shape, my Double F boobs now intrude and protrude rather noticeably and I am having to pay attention to all the style advice offered to all amply-endowed women: I wear wrap-front dresses and tops, and V-neck dresses and tops and properly under-wired swimwear...From wearing a somewhat flimsy bra as a fashion choice (I did NOT wear a bra in the late 60s and early 70s as both a fashion choice and a political statement) I now HAVE to wear a bra and the filmy lace-and-ribbon confections of former years are no longer adequate. I now have to wear a bra with more uplift and engineering than a Boeing 747.

The down-side of this change in shape is that the steroid-induced weight gain is not limited to my boobs and I have gained an arse the size of Wales - also requiring some strategic rethinking on the fashion front. But the up-side is that rehabilitation is going well. I have gained back most of the motor function I lost as a result of the surgery. I have almost regained full sight and I am again working (on the aforementioned fashion website I co-founded, Sosensational.co.uk).

I eat healthily and some of the weight has already gone, but come September, 18 months after my op, I plan to undertake a more rigorously limited eating regime (I refuse to use the word "diet" as all diets have a built-in failure factor). The first thing to go, inevitably, will be my new double F cup boobs. I'll be sad to lose those babies but mammary status quo will be upheld, so to speak. ..