It sounds like a contradiction in terms, doesn't it? Vulnerability is about letting your partner see you, really see you, behind all your social and personality masks, and defences. Which might mean hesitating, or admitting you feel awkward, or being in tears. And sexiness is not seen by society in these terms. Sexy, we're constantly told by the media, is pouting, posturing and wearing lacy lingerie or thongs. Sexy is about getting hot and lusty/steamy.
Sexiness for me is being totally seen and accepted by my partner, Tim, in whatever 'feeling' state I'm in. And vice versa. When we can meet in bed in a place of total vulnerability is when I feel closest to him, and to myself. That's when our relationship expands into new territories I didn't know existed.
We have practices like 5 Rhythms dance and Kundalini meditation, which help us to get into our bodies and out of our minds. Simply standing and shaking (eyes closed) for a few minutes before getting into bed can make such a difference to how present and 'here' I feel compared to when I just jump straight into bed from whatever else I've been doing before. We have slowed down generally when we're in bed together, not as a rule, more as a preference, because slowness creates space for whatever is there to emerge, which is so relaxing and connecting.
It may be that I'm feeling sad about something that has been reported in the news that day, maybe Tim is full of love because he's just seen his granddaughter or maybe we have no idea what we're feeling, which can also feel vulnerable. Allowing this vulnerability in the making love space means we both sink more deeply into our feelings, into what is most real from moment to moment.
I also believe in the power of communication when making love. In former times, I would have been silent in this arena believing that it wasn't sexy to exchange information because it would break the flow and the mood. Now I experience the opposite. By sharing what's happening for each of us from time to time, we are able to be much more present with each other.
For instance, one activity I adore is receiving (and giving) light touch and caress, which I find so delicious, relaxing and opening. Simply sharing with Tim 'this touch is so relaxing and opening' can be so helpful and connecting. We often don't know what our partner likes or doesn't like, we spend so much time guessing! And then after a time, I might feel that the touch is too strong and I find my body closing a little. Communicating this in as loving a way as possible like 'sweetheart, I'd love it if you could slow down a little'. Staying true to myself and doing it in a way that remains loving, is one of the biggest gifts we can give each other in relationship. And being true takes practice.
It can be challenging to share vulnerability as you actually feel it. It might feel strange to tell your partner that you're feeling uncomfortable at that moment, or that you're feeling like stopping or pausing for a while. But it really is worth trying out. Because when you do make love, you'll feel how you are both really there and not so often drifting off into some unspoken thought or feeling.
We are committed to allowing as much vulnerability as we can into our lovemaking. I have cried for half an hour in Tim's arms. I have shown my insecurity that has appeared from nowhere, and much much more. We both have. All of this has added to the richness of our relationship and the possibilities of what might be. I can really recommend allowing vulnerability as a way of accessing sexual vitality and increasing the intimacy between you. Let me know how it goes.
How To Bring Vulnerability Into Bed
1) Make a commitment to it. Talk about it and agree that this is your intention.
2) Do some sort of physical activity that will bring you into your bodies and out of your heads beforehand. Like dance, movement and meditation, chi gung etc.
3) Be slow in your actions around making love - touch each other gently, breathe together.
4) Take time out to connect to yourself - for instance, close your eyes and breathe - then re-connect to your partner.
5) Be willing to be there with your partner in all that they feel when making love.