Wherefore Art Thou?

10/07/2017 15:53 BST | Updated 10/07/2017 15:53 BST

Do you know what I lost along with my pelvic floor muscle control? My patience. I'm not quite sure where it went, but it's gone. If anybody finds it, please DM me.

I've heard people say you really learn patience when you have children. For me, it's been the complete opposite. My fuse is short. Short af.

I love my kids, with all of my being. I hate that I always have to state this, it's a no-brainer - of course I love them but there is always one negative Nancy who is like, "well maybe you shouldn't have had kids", or some other shit comment that makes me backtrack to ensure I've ever implied that I don't love my kids.

Lily is only 12 weeks old (only?). Where the hell did the last three months go? Right now, it's Baxter. He's two next month and his personality has changed so much in the last few months. He is so amazing - when he is good he is good. When he is bad, by god is he bad. Or is he? I've started wondering lately if maybe he's not that bad and maybe it's just me and the whole no patience thing? I know Reuben constantly says to me, "he's just a kid". And he's right. It's the whingeing that goes right through me like nails on a blackboard. I physically shudder. It's the tantrums now when you say no. He's getting smarter and he's learning more each and every day. It really is a pretty cool experience watching this little human that you created grow and be so excited about life and their surroundings. Oh to have no worries in the world.

I believe a lot of my stress and lack of patience is linked to my anxiety and depression which I have struggled with a little bit lately. I haven't been sleeping much and my mind is constantly on high alert. I look in the mirror these days and I don't really like who I see. Who is this impatient angry person? What happened to 'the old Jess'?

While I know this new 'mum Jess' is an adaption of my old self, I'm still learning who I am with all of this change. It sounds stupid, I'm hoping one or two of you get what I mean. I still AM the same person, but yet, I'm not? I used to only have myself to worry about and now I am responsible for two tiny humans. It's scary. Some days I can't even decide what to wear, yet between Reuben and I - we make decisions for the kids which can shape them for the rest of their lives. It's often a scary thought.

I'm working on myself, I know I'll be happy again soon. Genuinely happy.

Motherhood can be extremely lonely. While I am currently away from the office on maternity leave and Reuben works from home, I shouldn't be lonely. There are four of us in the house yet I'm often alone with my own thoughts. Yes, we're a team but that doesn't mean we agree on everything. It's all part of it, right? We're learning to become parents together and sometimes there are things that I struggle with and Reuben doesn't quite understand.

I know in time things will improve, I need to work on some techniques to improve my patience and anger. I need to remember that Baxter is 'just a kid' and that often these difficult periods are just phases and they will pass. I need to remind myself that many struggle with these exact things, but we don't like to talk about it but hey? It's pretty damn normal. We're tired, we're sick of tidying up the lounge only for it to be trashed five minutes later (literally). I'm sick of making food only for him to shake his head and say 'no'. I'm sick of feeling like I am in a constant uphill battle with my own self. Striving for perfection, for the clean house that can't stay clean for one whole day. It sounds utterly ridiculous but when I'm surrounded by mess and clutter, my mind becomes the same. When things are clean and clear, I feel so much weight off my shoulders. I am currently on a mission to declutter the house and live in a more minimalistic way. Material things are exactly that and I would much rather be happy than own a few items which supposedly give off some impression of status or achievement.

So here's to the shit days, I've just washed the same load of washing three times because I keep forgetting to take it out of the machine and it seems I am the only person in the house who knows what to do with dirty clothes..

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