Hooray for online dating! Who needs romance when you can be ridiculously picky and specify what you want from another human being, even down to their eye colour. Then of course you can immediately reject them based on a stupid photograph, when in reality they're probably kind, funny and have impressive genitalia.
Plenty of Fish.
So first up is Plenty of Fish, one of the more popular dating sites and by 'popular' I mean that it's free, there is no vetting process and it's like looking through 700,000 profiles from people who would quite happily set you on fire.
On the male side you have highly original taglines, for example:
'Looking to meat someone.' (sinister)
'Who's out there!' (Is this a question or a fact?)
'Left prison for good' (Stayed in prison for evil?)
'Has someone taken your faith? It's real' (What does this even mean?)
'Is there any decent ones left?' (Yes but we're all at that grammar party.)
And on the ladies side...
'Iv had enough I'm done' (Enough of what? Of life? Nandos? Using an e at the end of I've?)
' i bought a new pair of shoes.......;)' (Informative.)
'We are such stuff as dreams are made on.' (*stunned*)
'It could be youuuuuuu!' (Even lottery playing ghosts are desperate for love)
I used this site for three days and that was enough to make me try and self harm with the jaggy edge of my Pot Noodle soy sauce sachet.
It's a common misconception that you'll get a better class of person on a 'paid for' dating site, or perhaps someone who's more serious about a relationship than those maniacs on free sites who may as well just jump up and down on the spot shouting "SHAG ME I HAVE NO MONEY OR SOCIAL SKILLS!" The truth is, people will pay on some sites and also post on free sites too so I'd check out the free ones first as I've seen the same users on both OkCupid and Match.com.
Anyway, one of those many, many free sites is OkCupid. Looks wise this isn't too bad and a million times better than that abomination from hell, Plenty of Fish.
It's slightly more laid back than a lot of other sites but the thing that bothers me about this site is the 400,000 questions you can answer to compare with potential partner's answers and see if you're compatible. The questions are both pointless and stupid. Then they rate you a 'match' a 'friend' or an 'enemy.' I like the enemy part though and hope there's some sort of battle involved if you decide to meet up with rewards unlocked at the end.
Some of the questions you can answer:
Do you wear expensive designer clothes? - No. Buy me some and I shall.
Are some sex acts with consenting adults inherently wrong or immoral? Assume no unusual risk of injury - WTF?
Would you date someone who still lives with his/her parents? Only if they were about to inherit the massive house their parents owned.
People who like RECEIVING anal sex are - fucking awesome.
Have you recently had a psychotic break?. -Actually that isn't a question but it should be.
Profile wise, people on here tend to be a lot happier and mentally healthier than on POF but you still get this kind of thing...
'Currently working for the world's largest cheese producer' - Oh my.
'Given up with this whole online dating malarkey. Clearly doesn't work :)' - But you've put that on an online dati....Oh you.
'My default setting is 'courteously defferential', although the blinkered, myopic, condescending and arrogant tend to find this changes quickly.' - Oh give me a fucking break.
'I'm not a total ***tard'- Custard? Mustard? I KNOW I KNOW LEOTARD! What do I win?
'Don't message me, I don't want to talk to you. - ' But I have things that need to be said...
'My favourite word in the English language is "meadow" - aw, mine is 'cunt.'... We'll never be truly happy.
'I'm really good at - stamina' Um. Right then.
'The most private thing I'm willing to admit?- those were the droids I was looking for.' Yeah, this is from my own profile showing that I'm actually as crap as everyone else.
So given that I've probably looked, sneered, screamed and sighed at hundreds of profiles, I'm still no further forward in my quest to find someone who will make me laugh and tolerate my bed head in the morning and I'm sure I'm not alone.
Maybe I'll try leaving the house once in a while.
Follow Joanna Bolouri on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@scribbles78