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How I Ate in a Chinese Restaurant in London's Soho With Four New York Jews

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Last night, I went to see American comedian Lewis Schaffer's ongoing 90-minute twice-weekly Free Until Famous comedy show in London's Soho. Every time a different show.

Lewis Schaffer - always call him 'Lewis Schaffer', never just plain 'Lewis' - it's more memorable in publicity terms - managed a stonker of a show, good from start to finish, despite five 18-year-old American girls in the front row who appeared to have had a major humour bypass or possibly even a humor bypass.

They were particularly offended by Lewis Schaffer's circumcision routine and by his closing Holocaust routine - which still includes the best Holocaust joke I have ever heard.

After the show, I went with Lewis Schaffer, a New Yorker called Peter who lives in London and Jenna, the girl who rents Peter's apartment in New York, to a Chinese restaurant in Soho. On the way, bizarrely, we bumped into Jenna's father Steve. He is passing through London, working, for a week. Don't ask. I didn't.

So that's how I ended up in a Chinese restaurant in London's Soho with four New York Jews and that's where the question came up:

"Who is John and what does he do?"

Steve asked Lewis Schaffer.

As I have mentioned before in this blog, I have never been able to explain what I do. I wish someone could tell me.

"Do you know the phrase fingers in pies?" Lewis Schaffer asked Steve.

Steve nodded.

Lewis Schaffer shrugged and nodded towards me.

"I was working with Reg Hunter..." said Lewis Schaffer.

"Who's that?" Steve asked.

"There are only five American comedians who are of any note in this country," explained Lewis Schaffer. "There's the black guy which is Reg Hunter. There's the left wing guy which is Rich Hall. There's the hippy guy which is Dave Fulton. There's the gay guy which is Scott Capurro. And there's a fifth..."

"You?" I prompted.

"No, I'm not noteworthy," Lewis Schaffer replied absentmindedly. "Anyway there's one more. But there's not enough room in this country for even four, because they hate American comedians here because we're not one of the tribe... So I was working with Reg over at the Arts Theatre... I liked Reg. Same as Peter," he said, nodding at the young guy sitting opposite him. "Just as soon as I met Peter, I liked the guy. Did you sense Lewis Schaffer liked you?"

Peter shrugged.

"With you, John," Lewis Schaffer said, looking at me, I didn't know if I would like you or not, because you're a shambolic, horrible-looking mess of a man. You don't shave. You need your hair cut. It's longer in the back. It's like a Larry David kind of haircut. It's like a mullet. I just met you and I didn't know exactly what you did or what you wanted from me and I still don't... So I said to Reg Hunter, who was my friend at the time - he doesn't call me now. He doesn't speak to me. People don't like me."

Jenna laughed loudly.

"Stop it!" said Lewis Schaffer. "We're not in New York. This is why you're going to hate living here. You've gotta lower your expectations."

"Look at the food," said Jenna.

"It looks good from a distance," said Lewis Schaffer. "But then you taste it... It's like my penis."

"Small portions," I said.

"It's probably true," said Steve, "that all comedians have small penises, because the whole comedy thing is a result of..."

"No," said Lewis Schaffer, "I just pretend that I've got a small penis for the sake of comedy. "My penis is very large - it's nine inches long. I measured it this morning. I put the ruler in backwards - 12 - 11 - 10 - 9 inches. How long into the skin are you allowed to jam the ruler?... So I asked Reg: What about this guy John Fleming? He looks like a shambolic mess."

"A shambolic mess?" Steve asked.

"Look at this man," Lewis Schaffer said to Steve, pointing to me, "This man is a dictionary definition of shambolic."

"Is 'shambolic' not a word in America?" I asked.

"No," said Lewis Schaffer. It's not a word here either. There is no word 'shambolic' in English dictionaries."

"There is," I protested.

"There isn't," said Lewis Schaffer. "There's no word for 'gullible' in the dictionary either."

"In America?" I asked.

"Anywhere," said Lewis Schaffer.

"Yes there is," I protested.

"John," said Jenna. "He's just trying to make you seem gullible."

"Very smart girl," said Lewis Schaffer to Steve. "Your daughter's very smart... So, I said to Reg, Is he a reasonable guy? Look at the way he looks? He hasn't shaved. So he said... I can't remember the funny quote, but he said..."

"Who said?" asked Steve.

"This guy Reg Hunter," explained Lewis Schaffer, "He's the Number One comedian in this country."

"Does this guy really even exist?" asked Steve.

"Yes," insisted Lewis Schaffer. "He said I like the way he looks..."

"Who?" asked Steve.

"John," said Lewis Schaffer.

"I've never met him!" I interrupted.

"He said I like the way he looks," Lewis Schaffer continued, "because, in this country, you never trust a man who wears new clothes - because he's trying too hard."

There was a long pause.

"Trying too hard?" asked Steve.

"Trying too hard," repeated Lewis Schaffer. "Because in this country... Well, maybe he didn't say that. But I'm saying that. That's what Reg Hunter said."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Well," said Lewis Schaffer, "I don't want to misquote him. I don't want to put words into Reg's mouth which he didn't say because I want to use it in my show."

"I often get mistaken for Brad Pitt," I said.

No-one laughed.