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European Comedy Tour Journal, Day Seven: Amsterdam

13/11/2014 17:11 GMT | Updated 13/01/2015 10:59 GMT

I am comedian Kai Humphries. Each autumn I tour throughout the UK with my fellow stand-up and flatmate Daniel Sloss. This year we also roll out the tour to Europe for the first time, visiting 18 major cities over 21 dates. To amuse myself whilst we travel between cities (and whilst Daniel snores) I am keeping a journal of our adventures in the style of a scientific journal where my study subject is Daniel and my role as his support act is merely a disguise to cover up my true objective which is to psycho-analyse his behaviour.

Day: Seven

Date: 2 November 2014

Destination: Amsterdam (Netherlands)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

11:00

I'm feeling positively charged already at the prospect of being in a city that allows you to be sovereign of your own consciousness without risk of incarceration. This in my opinion shouldn't be a luxury afforded to you in a very specific geographical location, but a worldwide liberty as an individual. How can society be considered fair and just when the mere exploration of your own mind could result in an elected body of people revoking your remaining liberties? I am very much looking forward to the impending respite from this oppression.

As the train hurtles towards the promised land my subject is sat to my right carefully deconstructing a sandwich then reassembling it in a way that will best pacify his unnecessary desires, I'm urged to believe he didn't receive enough praise from his parents when passing a stool at the age of three and developed an anal fixation that he has carried into adult life. Or maybe he doesn't like tomatoes.

Daniel is cheerful today because we are being accompanied by my fellow professionals; Professors McCabe, Haughton, Stanley and Silver. My men are joining me in the field to aid in my project. These gentlemen are also posing as UK circuit comedians so as not to arouse any suspicions, it will be a pleasant adjustment for Daniel to interact with some new companions as thus far he has only had myself for company and I spend most of my days staring at him and making notes.

18:00

The clinical trials have been a great success. Professor Andrew Stanley has brought with him his signature device which has been informally dubbed "The Stanley Banter Laser Beam" it is a highly volatile technique and when focused on an individual he will emit an intense ray of sallies, quips and wisecracks for a prolonged period of time at the expense of his target. If you are in the vicinity of Professor Stanley all it requires is something as simple as the mispronunciation of a word, a clumsy fumble of motor skills or a slight violation of accepted social norms and this will trigger his verbal flourish of witticisms in your direction until someone else engages its focus. Now I myself, have have often been the recipient of such jocularity and have discovered that any attempt at defiance only acts to intensify his verbal destruction. I sometimes wish I had a kind of mirror that I could use to deflect his focus, I'd hold it out with both hands and angle it towards passing strangers in the street so they unwittingly received a torrent of jest on their commute. I like to daydream that his Laser is so powerful I could direct my hypothetical deflection shield towards the stratosphere on the off chance I hit a satellite then serve everyone on the O2 network with an forceful but friendly ribbing. The network would be inundated with complaints regarding the unannounced and unconsented upload of doggerel onto their handset, depleting their limited storage and data allowance. Much like the interference by U2 earlier this year.

Based on that fanciful vision I must conclude that my mental imagery is reacting to the catalyst of sativa marijuana I recently inhaled. I don't usually take illegal substances before I go on stage but in this country that rule changes the line in the sand completely.

23:00

Our performance in the Toomler comedy venue of Amsterdam was received with much satisfaction by the local crowd, although it was noticeable to the trained eye that we were under certain influence, it did not hinder our articulation when conveying our thoughts and ideas, if anything, I feel we drew creativity from our altered condition and improved some aspects of our delivery. The Dutch people seemed to enjoy that we had been indulging in their customs.

As suspected, pre and post performance, our subject was a major beneficiary of the Stanley Banter Laser Beam therapy. My fellow professors and I did our best to guide the beam in Daniel's direction over the course of the day, it was quite the spectacle to observe him being reduced like this. With an ego such as the one in the case of Daniel Sloss it is essential treatment to receive such frequencies as the ones projected on him today, with the reoccurring adoration from his admirers and the champagne treatment he constantly receives from our hosts, he runs the risk of being consumed by his own hype. With frequent interventions such as this one from close associates his vanity is unlikely to graduate into full blown narcissism.

I was feeling peckish so treated myself to a small portion of mushrooms, this local delicacy was far from flavoursome, I have no idea why it's so popular over here.

99:99:99:99

What is time!?