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European Comedy Tour Journal, Day Three: Vilnius

05/11/2014 17:18 GMT | Updated 05/01/2015 10:59 GMT

I am comedian Kai Humphries. Each autumn I tour throughout the UK with my fellow stand-up and flatmate Daniel Sloss. This year we also roll out the tour to Europe for the first time, visiting 18 major cities over 21 dates. To amuse myself whilst we travel between cities (and whilst Daniel snores) I am keeping a journal of our adventures in the style of a scientific journal where my study subject is Daniel and my role as his support act is merely a disguise to cover up my true objective which is to psycho-analyse his behaviour.

Day: Three

Date: 29 October 2014

Destination: Vilnius (Lithuania)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

Dear Journal,

I'd like to start today's entry by mentioning my subject's astounding ineptitude with the fairer sex. After the evening's performance we engaged in a greeting ceremony with a number of the ladies and gentlemen from the crowd of circa 250 people that had stayed behind for photographs, autographs and friendly embraces. Daniel, like myself, takes a sincere, friendly approach to acquainting with his admirers during this vain self indulgence, however, on more than one occasion in these exchanges he is approached by rather comely maidens with quite obvious promiscuous designs on his eligibility. Their intentions towards him start subtle with provocative body language and suggestive contact as they nestle against him for a photograph somewhat too familiarly, frisking him like an accomplished pick pocket as they ready for a picture to be captured, a picture which is quite clearly a secondary goal, a distraction perhaps, from their real mission to ensnare his undivided attention. Their subtle approaches are then made obvious by frank verbal declarations of intent to which he somehow still remains oblivious as they throw their advances into a chasm of apathy. I asked my subject why he didn't take up the offer from a particularly forward young strumpet to go for a drink elsewhere, instead of having his final beverage of the evening with a mature American gentleman, who although being extremely pleasant company, was unlikely to accommodate his desires as a heterosexual man. My subject responded firstly with confusion, that he hadn't acknowledged the borderline sexual assault on his person, then he brushed off the already expired notion because, and I quote: We have an early start in the morning. Completely disregarding the fact he sleeps upwards of 16 hours per day on public transport, rest is something he could certainly trade for a far more rewarding use of his time. I myself am quite happily monogamous and spiritually bound to one lady, but the part of me that would like to live vicariously through Daniel on this excursion wants to fight him to the death. My disillusionment is inflated by the fact he spends his first hour of bedding down in his chambers perusing the tinder application every night before sleep consumes him, I'm starting to believe his addiction to this modern courting device is despairingly to that of the means and not the ends.

9:05

Prague to Warsaw

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11:15

Warsaw to Vilnius

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It's a good job my subject got plenty of rest last night in preparation for all of the streneous exertion he had to endure over the course of the morning, I'm experiencing a pang of guilt for intercepting his complimentary coffee every time we've been airborne this week.

17:00

We were welcomed into the city of Vilnius by the most agreeable of fellows who despite his best intentions almost inadvertently compromised my true identity by holding up a sign at the airport for one "Dr. Kai Humphries". It took me a considerable amount of composure to withhold the facts about my doctorate and my position as one of the world's top analysists of psychiatric activity. We convinced my subject the gesture was a mere witticism by using the case study that rhythm and blues artiste Dr Dre is not a practicing medical professional. Mentioning this served a duality of purpose as I had increasing concerns that my subject had momentarily forgot about Dre.

My Lithuanian counterpart, Paulius, took a moment to show my companion and I around his splendid city, he dispelled any British ignorance we were harbouring by showing us that this part of Eastern Europe is a highly cultured civilisation with coffee shops, bars and social order, quelling our pre conceived judgements that it was a city made chiefly of loose bricks, whose residents would manoeuvre around in tanks and on mules. They dine in restaraunts just like us and don't rely on air drops for food like we anticipated, their economy is not only stable but they appear to be affluent. My first observation of their cultural advancement came when I witnessed members of law enforcement patrolling on Segways, like something from the works of Aldous Huxley (see also Lenina Huxley of Demolition Man) it was a dreamlike picture of futuristic dandy.

02:15

I took great pleasure in obliging my role as my subject's subordinate this evening, although I am only performing on stage to disguise my secret objectives, I'd be lying to state that it didn't fill me with an overwhelming sense of accomplishment when I provide such sweet, modest, humble people with enough endorphine release for them to react in an audible display of joyousness. I believe my subject would second this notion. After spending time with the people we entertained after the event I made a mental note that we can learn a lot from their humility and enlightenment, I feel I'm finding out as much about myself as I am about my subject on this particular mission.

There was no concern in the end that our hosts wanted to harvest our kidneys, in matter of fact, they plied us with enough dubious alcohol (one beverage had fire as a key ingredient) to render our organs useless to the Estonians we will be accompanying in a matter of hours.

Signing off...