THE BLOG

Mum Guilt: How I Never Saw It Coming And Steps To Combat It

19/06/2017 16:49 BST | Updated 19/06/2017 16:49 BST

I'd never considered it before.  Never read an article or been part of a discussion that addressed it.  I knew I was going to be tired, emotional, busy.  I was told a hundred times how I'd be tied to my sofa, wouldn't read a book for the next five years and how this was the easy part.  Never a helpful sentiment.

But the guilt that would creep in along with all of those other things?  No one ever mentioned it. Which is odd, because where those other things fade over time or at least settle as you adjust to your new role, the guilt never does.  It sticks around.  Sometimes dormant, sometimes downright painful but never actually gone.  So why did no one warn me?

2017-06-15-1497546226-7969581-IMG_634426B43B841.jpeg

Image: author's own

We as women are a hot topic of conversation.  Our bodies and our right to decide what to do with them.  Our kids, how we should have them and what we should teach them.  Our careers, what we should be earning and how we should be balancing it all.  Having it all.

In this exceptional, modern world where the options seem limitless, expectations are high and opinions are rife.  Yet somehow no matter what route we choose and how right it feels for us personally, we're still unsettled.  We see other women choosing different routes and the comparison runs away with us.  We struggle just to be ourselves.  To own our decisions and to walk our respective paths with no fear of judgement.

We feel guilty for not working.  For not providing financially.  For not being high-flying career women when our female predecessors have given everything they had to pave the way for us.  We feel guilty for going back to work, for being that same career woman.  For leaving our kids with strangers.  Guilty for enjoying the freedom that rejoining an adult world gives and the identity it returns to you.

We feel guilty for taking time to ourselves.  Or for not pushing forward with our personal lives. Cutting back time from friends or date nights with our partners because, well, we're wrecked.

And then worst of all?  We feel guilty for feeling guilty.   Because I of all people, having had three other babies who never made it earthside, know how much of a treasure it is to actually have these little terrors hanging off our necks and rubbing buttery toast into our trousers.  So we bury the feeling deep down, slap those fixed smiles back on our faces and say no more about it.

2017-06-15-1497546400-4677734-IMG_CEB27D507C621.jpeg

Image: author's own

And then there's more.  Alongside the inspired, taboo-shattering movement of baring all and sharing our flaws via social media, a parallel comparative culture has risen in equal strength.

The thing about Pinterest, and more specifically, Instagram, is that they're first and foremost visual tools.  It's photo-sharing.  How you choose to share your photos is entirely up to you and, surely, that's the beauty of it?  Quick snippets of your life or planned to a fine art, filtered or straight from your camera roll, haphazardly uploaded or with a highly honed theme.  The choice is yours and that is something to be celebrated.

We, of course, find ourselves drawn in droves to the beautiful accounts.  Those clean white feeds.  The bonnet-clad kids.  The gorgeous homes.  I love them; they're so soothing, it's like escapism!  But it's about retaining perspective while you use these incredible tools and browse these beautiful accounts.  Otherwise you may find yourself sliding down a dangerous slope of self-doubt and mis-guided self-projection.

Those angelic, clean-faced cherubs in linen bloomers.  No spaghetti stains, Jaffa cake residue or dried-in poo streaks to be found. Obviously not struggling with the washing.  Guilt.

That stunning Scandi nursery with expensive Beni rug and collection of pristine wooden toys.  When you're sat looking at two hundred pieces of plastic Fisher Price up-ended on your yoghurt-smeared IKEA rug that you can't afford to replace.  Guilt.

Those little smiling faces, always happy, not a tv screen in sight.  She clearly didn't yell at her kids this morning because they were moaning over the milk being too cold and Max & Ruby streaming too slow. Guilt.

2017-06-15-1497546486-8334342-IMG_24ED646CC8F11.jpeg

Image: author's own

Remember, perspective.  Those squares are not a representation of 24 hours in a day.  And maybe they're perfect.  Or maybe all the crap has just been shimmied off camera, the laundry hidden behind the couch and the kid caught laughing in the middle of a total meltdown.  Who cares?  Celebrate it as inspiration but let's quit the comparisons.  Wherever it comes from, whatever triggers it, be it primal or petty, to a certain extent we put this guilt on ourselves and it's time to push back.

Most importantly, acknowledgement is power.  Rather than trying to block it out and pretend nothing is untoward, tipping your hat to the very existence of guilt provides you with the opportunity to own the emotion rather than the emotion own you.

Secondly, arm yourself with the knowledge that the feeling of guilt, be it big or small, is normal.  Everyone is affected to one degree or another.  The clean white feeds and the Fisher Price mamas alike.  It existed before the days of social media and it will exist beyond us, evolving with our kids and grandkids into forms I can't even imagine.

Lastly, be yourself, be honest and be open.  For your own sake and for the sake of your fellow mamas and mamas to come, never pretend it's fine when it isn't.  Mum guilt doesn't make you weird.  It doesn't make you unstable and it certainly doesn't make you a bad mum.

2017-06-15-1497547463-7529934-IMG_5482.JPG

Image: author's own

So whether it be with your words or a picture or over a coffee with your best, don't let it consume you.  Whatever your therapy, enlist it.  The old cliche of a problem shared?  There's a reason therapy works.  And why strong, empathetic friendships are the key to emotional balance in your adult life.  Sharing relieves the pressure.  Solidarity heals the pain.  Let's stand together in all our differences, across all our paths; self-empowered and self-assured.  

You're doing great, mama.

K. x

See the original, full post and other ramblings on my blog here and come find me on Instagram - I'd love to find some more straight talking mama buds!