THE BLOG

How to Write an Online Dating Profile

19/06/2014 10:57 BST | Updated 18/08/2014 10:59 BST

I have spent much of my adult life online dating and am coming to realise that the chances of forming a genuine relationship with a man off a shopping list, who copies and pastes a message to 70 girls a day, is unlikely, for me, at least. 

Despite this, I'll admit to having moments of lamenting the absence of the likes of Match.com in my life. Not because I worry about the potential hunks o burning love I could be missing out on, but, for the hours of entertainment it once provided me with.

Recently a friend, who is still online dating, and myself, were discussing things that will never change about online dating, aside from the fact there are men on certain dating sites, who are 'looking for a relationship' but have been on the site for over 5 years (with the same profile picture) there are various phrases and profile gems that just don't change. 

If you will ... 

My friends say I'm funny. 

Ah that classic line, the gift that keeps on giving. No my friend, you are not funny, if you were funny you would say something funny. Next. 

I'm looking for ... 

This golden nugget applies to us all. Without patronising you, dear daters (of which, I hasten to add, I am one) the idea of a profile is to sell yourself. And as a consumer,  I want to know a bit about you. Who you are, what you like, as an example. What I don't want, in your opening introduction sentence, is a list of non-negotiable negatives regarding the person you are looking for. Do not contact me if ... I'm only interested in meeting someone who ... you shouldn't be x, y and z. 

These kind of statements don't tell me you are a nice person with high standards, they tell me you are an arrogant prat with a closed mind and it is, indeed, no wonder that you are still single. Why, I'd like a multi-millionaire with a huge penis and a weak heart, but, a tip people, there are certain things you should keep to yourself ... especially in an opening sentence.  

If anyone asks, we met in a bar. 

Similarly, do not start your dating profile (on an online dating site, which you are on) by telling everyone how you are not really into 'this sort of thing' and that you intend to tell your friends and family that you met me anywhere but online.

Dude, you're online, you spent an evening selecting photos you thought you looked hot in, and punching in your credit card details to hand over your cash to a dating site. Newsflash - no little girl grew up dreaming of the day she added herself to a dating shopping list in order to find her prince. You squirming at it 'having come to this' isn't going to catch you many brownie points. You're online, yes it has come to this. Deal with it and be gracious about it .... or go to a bar.    

I enjoy a night out but am equally as happy at home watching a movie with a glass of red wine. 

Yawn. Swipe right, delete, block, run. No women should ever date a man who claims to enjoy a nice glass of red on the sofa. Trust me, there is nothing I love more than a nice glass of red on the sofa but if this is as creative you can get on an intro, it's not going to be my sofa. Or my red wine for that matter. 

Favourite things include, sun, holidays, sunsets, happy people, positivity and enjoying life. 

The dreaded list. A novel take on selling yourself in a brief and humorous way. NO, this is not. This is a prelude to you asking me 'so what are your interests?' or 'tell me about yourself.' Urgg. Just stop it.

Aside from that, I might have led a sheltered life but, I am yet to met a person who doesn't like sun and positivity. Jeez, man, throw me a bone. 

And that's really unusual that you like happy people, because I bloody hate them, I love a miserable bastard though and why like holidays when you could love commuting to a shitty job in the rain everyday. Note to all list makers, if you've got to make them give them a twist. 

YOLO 

A recent addition to the list. And for those of you that are older than 23, who have no idea what that means, let me enlighten you - 'you only live once' - Woohoo! High fives!! Punches air!! Wears baseball cap backwards!!!

Under no circumstances use the term YOLO. Not in capitals, not in lower case and not in long hand. You think you're street, hip, living in the present and letting everyone know it. We think you are an absolute clown who is enjoying only living once by sitting on an online dating site every night trying to sound like he's spontaneous and adventurous. And doing it when you are past the age of 25 should be made a criminal offence. 

Men, a tip. Be cool,* chill out and don't complicate things. How hard can it be? 

*Do not say you are cool.

 *Sighs*