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How to Lose Your Hair in 10 Easy Steps (Ideally During Chemotherapy)

Posted: 10/11/2012 00:00

Ok, let me first make it clear that I am in no way urging you to try these steps at home. Hair loss is one of the things we most commonly associate with cancer and chemotherapy, so I decided to make light of my experience and share with you the unfortunate steps of my road to bald-dom.

Here goes...

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  • Step 1: Take picture of self with existing hair

    Take picture of self with existing hair.

  • Step 2: Ask friendly local hairdresser to create pixie crop

    Ask friendly local hairdresser to come in on her day off and cut locks into appropriate short style. Take photo of self, being careful to use same clothing, setting and lighting conditions to convey truthful Before and After pics.

  • Step 3: Tame "Something About Mary"-style morning spikes

    Wait approx 3 weeks and enjoy new hair style, being careful to tame early-morning "Something About Mary"-style spikes.

  • Step 4: Begin to pull hair out when ready.

    Begin to pull hair strands out gradually when ready.

  • Step 5a: The Forward Sweep

    When hair is thinning and ready for final chop, try out several punk hairstyles for experimentational purposes. Number One: <em>The Forward Sweep</em>

  • Step 5b; The Sideways Sweep/ Toupée

    Number Two: <em>The Sideways Sweep/ Toupée</em>

  • Step 5c: The Balding Mohican

    Number Three: <em>The Balding Mohican</em>

  • Step 5d: The Arrogant Jedward

    Number Four: <em>The Arrogant Jedward</em>

  • Step 6: Check oneself out in mirror one last time

    Check oneself out in mirror one last time.

  • Step 7: Pull hair out in bath or shower. Or skip to step 9

    Take long bath or shower and slowly pull out hair. Alternatively (and in hindsight) go straight to step 9.

  • Step 8: Examine new Baby-Chick hairstyle

    I give you... <em>The Baby Chick</em>

  • Step 9: Return to local hairdresser for full Sinead shave

    Return to friendly, accommodating hairdresser at short notice and ask for final head-shave. I give you... <em>The Sinead</em>

  • Step 10a: Don wig and adopt alter ego accordingly. Miss Candy Pink

    Don wig of your choice and adopt alter ego accordingly. (Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be... <em>Miss Candy Pink!</em>)

  • Step 10b: The slightly more understated Miss Valerie

    ...<em>Miss Valerie</em>

  • CAUTION! Wigs are highly flammable

    Be careful to remove synthetic hairpiece when attempting to cook perfect cheese, mushroom and tomato omelette. Wigs are highly flammable...

  • And finally... Here's one I made earlier

    Here's one I made earlier.

Being bald hasn't exactly been the best thing to ever happen to me, but it certainly is liberating. You can take your wig off when you get too hot, you can have a totally different look every single day, and you save a fortune on shampoo and conditioner (though it doesn't quite offset the money doled out on expensive wigs...)

 

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