"Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realising I was unprepared should one be in there."
"Who called it contractions and not birthquakes?"
"Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand."
"I'm not going to look up why 'Gen X' is trending I'll just assume it's because we died."
If you've embarked on the journey of plant ownership, these tweets will resonate.
"Yes, autocorrect. By all means, let’s size the day."
"The light at the end of the terrible two tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train called the threenager."
Twitter users have found humour in the nightmare of multilevel marketing companies.
"My three-year-old son just asked me, 'Can you take me to the Vampire State Building?'"