Vom. Fergie's latest song is called M.I.L.F $ which she says in this case stands for 'Moms I'd Like To Follow'. Sure.
The video, directed by Colin Tilley, features a host of famous mothers including Kim Kardashian, Alessandra Ambrosio, Devon Aoki, Amber Valetta and Fergie herself poured into various scanty configurations of Latex and being gawped at by a visiting 'Milfman' and, no doubt, by millions of horny pop fans the world over. It also has its own Instagram account.
It's not the tits I'm worried about. Kim, Fergie et al are free to shimmy around as they please. And as for the heaving cleavage, I'd bare my own tongue tie-ruined boobs for any adult's right to flaunt what they've got. Luckily we don't all live in Saudi Arabia.
But why did Fergie have to drag up a cliché as a brittle justification for the filth-fest? 'Changing the acronym to Moms I'd Like To Follow is about empowering women who do it all,' she said. 'They have a career, a family, and still find the time to take care of themselves and feel sexy. With a wink of course :).'
I checked, and 'wink' wasn't a typo. And even if it was, as I said, live and let live.
But can we finally, once and for all, have a moratorium on the concept of 'women who do it all'? I thought the coffin had been nailed in 2012 when The Atlantic declared 'Why Women Still Can't Have It All'.
But it appears that the concept is still very much alive and kicking our asses, even though no one has it all, really, and even though no one has been able to answer why only women are judged on what percentage of 'it all' they have, nor what 'it all' actually means anyway.
'Empowering women who do it all', declares Fergie, without any apparent trace of irony. I'm really happy for Fergie and her co-stars that, through a combination of genes and grooming, they are smoking hot as well as successful. Lucky them. But are they really the people who need empowering?
I think Fergie should hand out some of this 'power' to the women (and the men) who choose not to have it all, because they've realised that having it all, doing it all, is impossible. Some of us love our jobs and love our families, but haven't seen our old friends since Christmas 2014. Some have quit work because they've worked out that staying at home with their little one is more cost-effective than paying for childcare, and sometimes more fulfilling too. I think I'm doing a good job of it, and then realise I've drunk nothing but caffeine and alcohol for the last four days, I didn't call my mum on her birthday, and that no one in the family has any clean pants. Can I have some power too, please, Fergie? Maybe I just need to have more of what she's having.
Moms I'd Like to Follow: Yes, I'll follow Kim on Instagram because she and Kanye are fricking hilarious. I'll dance to Fergie's music, shake my ass around the kitchen and, once a quarter, on the dancefloor. But Fergie's sweaty pseudo-feminism and its accompanying Instagram account? #unfollow
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