A Personal Relationship to Photography:
As, perhaps you would agree, there are few photos quite as powerful as a bad one of yourself.
I don't know if this is entirely factual, but as a kid I remember a story of my glamorous grandmother destroying some photographs of herself in which she looked ILL. DESTROYED as if they were FOUL DEMONS, those pictures. She ended up dying with emphysema so maybe it was the first shadow of something serious, or maybe she just looked tired and was pissed off. Either way it was her business. She dealt with it how she wanted. But my childmind was disturbed by the dark sparkling power these little pieces of paper had over a human. An unnamed former homecoming queen in my family started complaining that she looked 'old' in photos when she was 42. My father died when he was 27. He looks pretty good in all of his photos. NOT the strategy I'd choose to keep my average up, but then my own area of irrational image-phobia is fatness. And ungainliness. Both of which have the grace to transcend any age.
It pains me to write all this very personal info, but it seems the most succinct and honest way to get at the heart of the matter.
At some point I just thought it was garbage to be terrorized by bad photos of myself especially because it happened a lot. So I started collecting them in an album of Unflattering Photos and then every time I got a bad one, I was excited to have a new GEM for my collection. Anyhoo, here they are.
Home Hair Cut, 1997
It starts here really. I AM leaving out some heinous prom moments from high school to protect the dignity of minors involved.
The more I look at this picture, the more confused I am about who is looking back at me. The period is just after college when I moved back home to "work on grad school applications" and ended up driving an ice cream truck for a couple months.
I should also say that if you ever find or take any photos of me, please don't hold back. Especially ones for the collection. Thanks in advance.
Paris 1999
Tahoe New Year's Eve 2000/New Year's Early Morn 2001 Lake Tahoe, CA
This one is hard to distinguish as a bad photographic moment from a bad life moment. So let me take this moment to ask if people send you less bad photos in the digital snapshot world. There is probably more deleting, but also more reckless snapping. So maybe it evens out.
Portraiture Class, 2000
After regular college I studied photo at City College of San Francisco during the 1999/2000 academic year. It was a phenomenal technical education. In Portraiture class we worked in groups of about 5-6 and during each session one volunteered to be the sitter and the rest committed the moment to film.
One class a dear and charming lady in my group arrived with A PLAN for me. I'm going to do your hair and make up and I brought you a shirt, was the plan. I really liked her and wanted to make her happy.
This wasn't quite the look I would have chosen for myself, and I'll admit that a part of me deep down cried a little when I looked in the mirror. But also there is a liberation in rock bottom.
Costa Rica, July 2010
Wow, this one is really activating on many levels simultaneously. A real coup. It sort of takes my breath away.
Thank you to the anonymous employee of the Carmichael Athletic Club, Steven Kay, Liz Smagala, Friend from Portraiture Class and Joyce Christian.