Six Reasons Not To Read 'Six Reasons...' Articles

19/05/2014 16:04 BST | Updated 16/07/2014 10:59 BST

Buzzfeed and bloggers aren't stupid, they all know that the most clickable content currently exists in the format of 25 Reasons It's Great To Have No Direction In Life or 8 Ways To Find The Hottest Guy Ever. I'm as guilty as anyone for clicking on 9 Reasons It's Ok Not To Be 5'9" and it's countdown counterparts, but here's 6 reasons we should go cold turkey, even for a day;

1) The reasons are rarely groundbreaking

Just like this reason in itself is glaringly self-explanatory and might as well tell you that animals have feelings (research something else people), most of the reasons given in these articles are either applicable to everyone because they're that obvious, or applicable only to a few because they're codswallop.


2) Wishy-washy writing

Bullet points can make good writers even peppier. However, there's a reason bullet pointing at the end of an exam is a last resort. As the invigilators spot your illegal scribbles and skulk towards you in those clip-clop heels, florist-prescribed skirts and pen-hungry eyes, ready to whip away your inky weapons of destiny with puce painted talons, there's a reason that's the only time you'll use bullets; because they conquer the slings and arrows of evaporating time.

3) From the sublime to the ridiculous

Although poring over 30 top F.R.I.E.N.D.S one-liners may never get old, the bullet-point article can belong to the weaker leagues of typing tennis. I may read about 25 signs why I might be Samantha Jones from Sex and The City, but at the end of the day, we've established from her very fictional nature and my driving licence, that I am not in fact her. Meanwhile, the 60 Facts You'll Want To Share With Friends Right Now will remain a solitary discovery. My friends aren't here, if they were then we'd be doing something better, and I'm certainly not going to bombard them with 60 new items of information as soon as I've stumbled upon it, because that would mean admitting how sad I am. Moving over to 26 Life Moments Instantly Improved With Explosions as an alternative read; if the experience is better as shrapnel than intact, then it's probably not one I need to hear about. Final option? 29 Phrases People With Relationship Problems Are Tired Of Hearing. Why dwell?

4) Hyperbole

Indulging in the inane every now and then is great, but let's call a skive a skive. Claims that these ten facts will 'blow my mind', 'revolutionise my sex life', 'make my dreams come true' or 'morph my personality' will only make me laugh (in the derisive, rather than 'bookmark this page' way). We all know that the sole purpose of these articles is to get me out of making Bob a coffee for another five minutes, because he's being a prat this morning. At the end of the day, 11 Weird Cat Habits We May Never Understand is an article which immediately admits it isn't going to unveil any dazzling feline facts, but instead highlight the frustration of those already known to us: no life is being changed in this tab.


5) They're not all bad, but...

There's a lot to be said for quirky forms of entertainment such as the quick fire article. However, it's a question of what you would have been doing had you not been reading 31 Struggles Every Teenager Will Understand; if the answer is staring at a wall then fine, but most other options are probably more viable. Also, to reinstate point number 3, every teenager will not understand these struggles, that's the point, there's no camaraderie, you're alone, you're misunderstood...that's why you're struggling. 31 points of unity with your peers would probably disqualify you from being a proper teenager in the first place, making the article (even more) redundant.


6) By 7 they're usually done

You've got to give them points for trying; some of these articles tot up to the forties or fifties, but usually by about point 7, the point is gotten across, the reader's appetite is quenched and we're already to take off our trainers and opt out of the number-totting marathon. Only dedicating a few words to each topic gives it no time to become properly delicious, so there's a high risk that looking for left over jaffa cakes in the office drawer will beat the prospect of a marriage to the scroll down button.

The bullet-point article can provide some witty one-liners, thought-provoking snippets and heavenly minutes of entertainment, there's no denying that. However, just because some are poignant does not mean that the list-off should become the only kind of article which people can be bothered to read, so let's say no to subtitles every once in a while and go long with the blog ball.