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Michelle Beckett

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Get Real, Gwyneth: Why Working Mums Don't Need Any More Guilt, Thanks

Posted: 5/02/2012 23:00

Thanks Gwyneth. I was having a bad day ANYWAY, until you made me feel even worse. Guilt rears its ugly head enough for us full time working mums, without you wading in to the fray telling us we need to "compromise" to be a mother and run a successful family.

In a recent Harpers's Bazaar interview, Gwynnie's 'highlights' include being at home when her husband gets back from work as a way of "maintaining her marriage and family"; and "this may not be feminist, but you have to compromise". Meaning what, Gwynnie?

The best bit: "Gloria Steinem may string me up by my toes, but all I can do is my best, and I can do only what works for me and my family."

No shit about Steinem, Sherlock. Are you saying that in order to run a successful family you can't work full time?

I'd love to stay at home in the day with my three daughters, baking organic recipes from your twee lifestyle website and getting my nose hairs detoxed with sea purslane or whatever.

Waiting sweetly in a pretty dress for my husband (if I had one) to return from work, so I can rub his shoulders and fetch him his pipe and slippers as his organic butternut squash and quinoa supper cooks....

Let me tell you about MY life. I know enough about your perfect one, thanks...

I'm a single self-employed full time working mum of three girls aged 15, 11 and nearly three. I won't moan, I consider myself very privileged. I juggle my successful business with organising myself, the girls, the logistics of two ex husbands, the housework, the cooking, the... holy crap, please no one drop in and notice my kitchen floor...

My life is a whirl of missing school letters, frantic washing of school tights at 11pm when we've run out, trying not to shout at kids for missing homework left to the last minute, painting walls, potty training, nursery pick ups...

Mixed with... (deep breath) preparation of PowerPoints and booking trains so I can go speak on stage to business audiences, as I try to look immaculate, professional and as if I have it all together behind the scenes, perfectly, like Gwyneth does.

I HAVE to work full time to put bread on the table and pay the mortgage, because no one else will. I love my kids AND I love my job. I try and make the best of the situation I've got. I am generally very happy, but the working mum guilt thing is my Achilles heel. As it is for every other full time working mum I speak to. We don't need you making us feel worse, Gwyneth.

I'm still haunted by the psychologist Oliver James and his insistence that 'working mothers are to blame if their children misbehave'. Every time my girls behave as normal kids do and squabble, I think of the article I once read, and blame myself. I'm getting better at being realistic, guilt doesn't help anyone. I'm sure psychologists would have a lot MORE to say about single working Mums.

I know there's plenty of evidence to back up psychologists like Oliver James, and I'm sure Gwyneth is very blissfully happy and sorted. I'd much prefer not to be working full time.

But what can I do about this? Not a lot. I'm a breadwinner. I have to work, and even if I didn't, I'd probably want to work at least part time.

So I have enough in my head without my guilt being made just that little bit worse.

So cheers, Gwyneth. I'll raise an evening glass of pinot to any other working mums who feel guilty as I do as I sit at home. (Sit? What's that?)

Just keep swimming, girls, as Dory says in Finding Nemo. All we can do is our best, as Gwyneth said. Except her world looks very different from ours.

 

Follow Michelle Beckett on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Linked2Michelle

Thanks Gwyneth. I was having a bad day ANYWAY, until you made me feel even worse. Guilt rears its ugly head enough for us full time working mums, without you wading in to the fray telling us we need t...
Thanks Gwyneth. I was having a bad day ANYWAY, until you made me feel even worse. Guilt rears its ugly head enough for us full time working mums, without you wading in to the fray telling us we need t...
 
 
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Sofia Champion
The future is now.
14:41 on 20/02/2012
I'm happy my mother works.
07:25 on 20/02/2012
I am curious as to why you so readily hand over your power to enJOY rather than endure motherhood, to another mother, albeit a celebrity one. No-where in that article did Gwyneth say mothers should stay home, nor should any of her comments make one feel guilty. I often wonder if I am actually reading the same article as writers such as yourself and all I can say is ENOUGH OF THIS COMPARISON NONSENSE. Let's spend our energy loving ourselves, our children & OUR path, then finish with RESPECT, for ourselves and other mothers NO MATTER WHAT, including celebrity mothers because they are mums just like us! Sure their lives are very different from ours but lets focus on what makes us alike rather than different, perhaps then we can get along with enJOYing our motherhood role. Stace PS I actually wrote about this on my blog a couple of weeks ago. http://sunnymummy.com.au/2012/02/motherhood-according-to/
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
LibrarianBarb
20:53 on 08/02/2012
I personally think that it is a good idea for one parent to be home with young kids but it doesnt have to be always the mom or always the dad. But managing careers is difficult enough without guilt trips and in this economy even people who want to stay home dont have that luxury, and the truth is there are often a lot of reasons there is only one parent in the picture.
And what does any celebrity who can afford housekeeping help and nannies and who does not have to work 5-6 days a week, maybe 10 hrs a day, commute and then come home to housework and child care and homework have to tell anybody about making choices and compromise?
09:07 on 08/02/2012
"I can see where you're coming from but why bother fussing?"

Why? Because women have fought long and hard to break away from monotony of being housewives and yet despite that fight every mother who works still feels the guilt of not being there for her children.

Gwyneth's interview taps into every working mother's achilles heel - the guilt over not being there enough for her children and its something women don't need to hear. Especially women who unlike Gwynnie don't have a nanny, personal trainer... and personal fortune.

I prefer to hear from real women, like Michelle, who balance motherhood and work (without the help of a french speaking nanny). Who do feel guilt about their work/life balance but have to carry on to pay the mortgage and feed the family.

In fact I would prefer not to hear from women like Gwyneth at all. Lets have more interviews with real women. With women pushing the boundaries in business, science, politics. With women who are achieving amazing things - who can be held up as reasons that women go out there and work in the first place...despite the guilt.
21:56 on 06/02/2012
I can see where you're coming from but why bother fussing?

It seems to me like you're being overly-harsh to someone who clearly says "I can do only what works for me and my family." When the media picks up on your 21st century attitude towards raising children and says that this attitude is ruining your children you may rant, or get out the angry pen of witty banter but what bothers me is this..... Gwyneth is telling the world what works for her NOT what mothers should do. I feel that a mind like yours could have been put to talking about sexism in the church or media rather than putting 'Gwynnie' down for her views?

I wouldn't rant about how i was pissed off that you said women shouldn't be "traditional" so why should you?
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Thismortalcoil
Science is the poetry of reality
20:11 on 06/02/2012
Michelle, I take your point that working mums are made to feel guilty by the media but I think it's a bit off to be cross with Gwyneth just because her world is different. She has worked hard to be successful and she is doing what she thinks is right for her.

Perhaps she is 'pretty' and perhaps she is 'organic' and perhaps she is in the enviable position where she can choose how much time to spend with her children. But criticising her for these things isn't really fair.

Clearly you are managing to cope rather well with being a trainer, a speaker, a blogger and an am drammer. How would you feel if you knew mums who are coping less well than you were criticising you for your success?
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Michelle Beckett
20:46 on 06/02/2012
Good point, eloquently made. The pretty & organic comments were perhaps unjustifiably harsh. She is successful & admire her for that. But with that success arguably comes perhaps responsibility to those who listen. I was more cross at the stab at feminism, the need to share with the media & her friends that in order for her marriage to work, she feels the need to wait at home for him to return, rather than perhaps a sharing of responsibilities. Perhaps she should have articulated in a more careful way.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Thismortalcoil
Science is the poetry of reality
11:00 on 07/02/2012
Fair enough, I do believe that people in the public eye have a greater responsibility to think carefully about what they say. Thanks for replying so quickly and reasonably too!
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Ppenguinator
Life's too imprtant to be taken seriously.
20:00 on 06/02/2012
Back in the real world, away from wherever Gwyneth lives, most mothers in this country work, with no adverse effects to their children. For the majority, being a stay-at-home mum is either impractical or impossible, due to financial concerns, and I suspect most wouldn't want to.
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Michelle Beckett
20:22 on 06/02/2012
I must keep reminding myself of that, thank you.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
newshoundmama
My bite's worse than my bark
16:24 on 06/02/2012
She's overrated as an actress, and as she's beginning to age, the roles are no doubt drying up. . . I think her 'compromises' on behalf of her family are probably more about not having anything else to do. And her Goop website makes her a laughingstock. . .
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Michelle Beckett
20:21 on 06/02/2012
I've only glanced at Goop, I need to take a proper look, thank you.
14:41 on 06/02/2012
i havent read the article gwen has done, however from what shes quoted she does what works for her and her family. therefore ses saying diferent horses for different courses, the person who wrote this article sure is feeling guilty to be this defensive in her response to an articl about how someone else lives their life and is not trying to push it on someone else... go sit down and have a kit kat hun...
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Michelle Beckett
15:03 on 06/02/2012
I disagree, I think she does push it on others, as she admits to in her article. I've had a creme egg instead of a kit kat :-)
20:01 on 06/02/2012
Good choice! Well i haven read the article but i will take your word n it! But i do think we get so caught up in what others say about parenting (even from those that dont have children) and it does more harm than good. I was induced as I was 2 weeks overdue with my daughter and you have no idea how guilty I felt as I didnt go into natural labour, I felt like i was doing something wrong. The she came and was 7lb 7oz and some one mentioned it was lucky she was late cos she needed a few more oz's on her. As long as we look at our babies and they are happy and healthy that should be our validation, not someones opionion who lives in a completely different universe. Keep being an awesome mumy :)
14:30 on 06/02/2012
I cannot bring myself to read Gwynnie (and don't get me started on Myleene). If they tell me that they do all the cooking, cleaning, washing and don't have childcare on tap when they need it, I might take them a bit more seriously. I think working mums are amazing. I'm a stay at home mum right now (3 children of 5 and under) and I am sure I do them more damage by being at home! If working mothers are to blame when their children misbehave, does that therefore mean that I'm blameless when mine do (and they certainly do)? Keep up great work, Michelle!
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Michelle Beckett
15:01 on 06/02/2012
Thank you...we are all doing our best & it's still hard (in the real world, not Gwyneth's), working or stay at home!
13:02 on 06/02/2012
Here, very much, here! People have to do what works for them; and they can do - many have limited choices, whether its because of financial reasons, or in my case, trying to stay sane!
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Michelle Beckett
13:21 on 06/02/2012
Thank you. I know what you mean about staying sane!
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
jlab
Looks like it's another snark week.
12:06 on 06/02/2012
Easily one of the most infuriating things about Paltrow is that she somehow insists her insights come from a sane, rational and "normal" place. She seems convinced that everybody else could live her life, if they just followed her simple example.
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Michelle Beckett
12:47 on 06/02/2012
Very well put, thanks for comment.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
jlab
Looks like it's another snark week.
13:21 on 06/02/2012
You're welcome. Sent you the one that HP couldn't handle per Twitter. Gwyneth realiably makes my blood boil.
08:29 on 06/02/2012
I bet she's spluttered her Pino all over the shagpile after that Michelle. Keep swimming! :-)
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Michelle Beckett
12:47 on 06/02/2012
If you read this, Gwynnie, let me know! Nothing (too) personal :-)
02:51 on 06/02/2012
Why do you care what she says? She's an actress: she's acting hence you can't take anything she says as truth. Case in point: her husband has had no infidelity. Unfortunately I have been exposed to him in the past and the truth is far from that. He cheats on her regularly. Further, she's had no botox or plastic surgery. When any reputable plastic surgeon and 80% of all plastic surgeons will probably admit to the extensive work she's had done if only they look at images of her face over her lifetime. The work she's had done is drastic! I can point to obvious botox work she had just prior to her getting her walk of fame star last year. Despite all this, I feel sad that so many people even take actors seriously at all. They are career liars. They are trained in the "art" of lying. None of this should come as a surprise so I wish people would stop caring so much what they say or do!! Let's start caring about people with valid opinions like scientists and mathematicians. But hey, we all know that's never gonna happen and then we wonder why society is so screwed up and plastic surgery and acting classes are more valuable these days than a decent education.
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Michelle Beckett
10:18 on 06/02/2012
I agree that I shouldn't care what she says, it was just a highlighted example of how working mums can feel guilty regularly. I take more notice of Oliver James & his comments about working mums, as a psychologist following a scientific method. Thanks for comment though!
01:00 on 06/02/2012
Defensive much? Why are you letting a comment by a celebrity make you feel inferior as a mom?
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Michelle Beckett
10:20 on 06/02/2012
I think a lot of working mums feel guilty regularly for all sorts of reasons. I don't feel inferior to her, just she brought some guilt which is accentuated by press & studies to the fore. Comment noted, it was defensive....but often we feel we have to be.