Seeing a famous person in the street or at a gig, to me, is like seeing the dentist - I try and avoid approaching the situation as much as I possibly can. Im trying to be one of those "famous people". My only problem is, even though, in this grand, big wide world we live in, I'm a nobody right now. Go up to a stranger in the street and ask then who Naomi Hefter is. Depending on the person, you should get one of these replies:
1. Is she a relative of Hugh? (Dumb people who don't realise Hefter and Hefner are two different names)
2. Is she a fat doctor from Frankfurt? (Wild guess from people who may know Hefter is a German name)
3. Oh, is that the girl who is banned from the big Boots in Piccadilly and Tesco in Hammersmith? (People who watch security cameras)
The thing is though, in my head, I'm already famous, so I have no need to approach a famous person. I'm one of them, part of the gang. The general public just don't know it yet.
Out of sheer pride, I refuse to approach even a big name A lister celebrity. Even if I were a fan of their work. I don't have it in me to go and ask for a photo or an old fashioned autograph. I don't want to be not remembered as another giggly face shyly kissing the arse of someone who shits and farts just like the rest of us.
Like all celebrities, I regularly Google myself. It's the norm to do such a thing. I recently found someone had made a web page about me with the "Keep Calm and Carry on" motif. This particular page had mugs, T-shirts, magnets, stickers, hey, probably your own personalised vibrator. All saying "Keep calm and carry on but Naomi Hefter Defriended me". I wasn't sure whether to be flattered or terrified by this unknown stalker (aka "person" in a non-celebrity vocab).
People have often asked me why I haven't applied to appear on Big Brother. It's never someone who knows me asking me this absurd question. Only fools who just look at my blonde hair and glam make up, assume I want to be famous for being famous. I don't care if I have to go the long way round and do the hard work, being famous for the right reason is the most important thing to me. And anyway, who wants to be a flash in the pan celebrity, doing any desperate deed to stay in the papers? Oh yeah, Big Brother contestants.
In case you are reading this, and you have never heard of me, I'm an up and coming comedian, writer and sometimes, if I'm lucky enough, I get to put on nice underwear, smile and get paid. Hey, maybe one day you will come up to me in the street and ask for an autograph while shyly giggling and kissing my arse. I look forward to it.Suggest a correction