Yes, I'm speaking out in public - although mainly because I'm too chicken to turn to my side and actually tell the three hipsters on my right to shut up, and enquiring whether they think the 'quiet please' signs have a hidden clause stating "unless you're wearing a beanie and trousers which finish mid-shin".
Personal experiences of hipsters are a far cry from Williamsburg, New York but instead it was like watching pockets of East London being swallowed up by a swarm of skinny jean wearing, flat white drinking locusts. As preened men were dubbed "Metrosexuals" and "scallies" evolved into "Chavs"; in my circle "Indie" became "Hipster".
With their vintage threads, vinyl records and penchant for independent coffee shops, hipsters are well known for their discerning tastes. But thanks to the global popularity of this exclusive subculture, hipsters no longer need to settle for a mainstream chain - they can now unpack their skinny jeans in the boutique hotel of their dreams.
Hipsters know what's 'hip', 'trendy', 'radical' (they'd avoid that word). How they do this depends on your level of skepticism towards the hipster. They are either attuned to the cosmic waves of human awareness, surfers of the collective consciousness, simultaneously drawn to the same games at the same time, or they read the same websites.
It will turn out that those guys who think the world is secretly run by lizards were right all along. But a further twist will develop in June, when it is revealed that those lizards are themselves ruled by empirical socio-economic forces which can be countered by engaging in the electoral process and bringing about piecemeal change.
I took my poo phone into the Apple Store and the genius up the back told me, "This phone has been water damaged." I replied, "Hey genius, I'm not here because it's working. Can you fix it?" He told me it'd be cheaper to get a new one. So I told him about the time I had sex with a real girl and his head exploded.
For those who aren't hipster-literate, a London hipster is particularly easy to spot. Think an explosion of all the trends you thought you'd left behind in the 90s and you're almost there. Non-prescription glasses for that extra summin' summin'. Beanie hats even in warm weather (teamed with sunglasses for that extra ironic charm). Exuberant moustaches, skinny jeans and a fondness for never wearing socks - it's simply the hipster way.