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How Do You Like Your Eggs?

09/05/2014 17:08 BST | Updated 09/07/2014 10:59 BST

Pollution is changing your sex. If pollution was getting you more sex, it would be nice. It isn't though, and it may just deprive you of having it for the rest of your life, particularly if you are are a thick-lipped grey mullet. That's not me getting personal, that is their actual name.

Thick-lipped grey mullets along the Basque coast of Spain have been investigated by top scientists who found that the pollution in the water is causing the males to become female. They also found that - WARNING, DO NOT READ THIS NEXT PART - they are growing eggs in their testes.

Apparently, the products that we pour into the sea are having this effect on the male thick-lipped grey mullet, who has enough problems what with being called a thick-lipped grey mullet. That can't be easy in fish schools.

What are these pollutants that are having this worrying effect on the male of the species? They are perfumes and contraceptive pills that are used almost exclusively by human females, that's what.

The problem of too much perfume in the water is so severe that in some estuaries along the coast, more that two thirds of gentlemen T-LGM's showed signs that they are turning into lady T-LGM's. This means that they will then start using perfume and contraceptive pills and cause the rest of the males of the species to die out entirely.

James Brown sang "It's a man's world". Not any more it isn't. If it is happening to fish, then it is probably happening to men too. If chemical pollutants in the water that we will eventually imbibe are disrupting the balance of hormones in perfectly innocent and unsuspecting marine animals, then why shouldn't they be doing the exact same thing to the human race, which caused this mess in the first place? Never mind about metrosexual man, we are looking at a future of inter-sex man.

It may have already begun. For evidence of this, I give you "man bags". Before men started to turn female, they used to carry two things on their masculine persons when leaving the house: their money and the keys required to get back in. Now, the load is so great that they need a cross-body strapped sack to lug it about in. And they need it to have the word "Gucci" on it.

When a manly man used to carry a bag, it was to contain his football kit and was constructed of the cheapest plastic available. This helped to contain the noxious fumes coming off his boots. Nothing so alive with mould and dirt would ever be allowed near a modern man's bag. Now, the only thing inter-sex man has in there that has seen mud is his rejuvenating face mask.

More evidence of this alarming trend is to be found in the colours that we wear. It used to be that the only colours a man would be seen dead in were the same colours he would actually be seen dead in: black. At a pinch, he could get away with a very dark brown, and there was a period in the seventies that saw him in orange neck-wear but apart from that, it was dark, dark, dark. Now the High Street is a blizzard of rainbow hues and it is all because the ladies like to smell nice.

Just look at men's hair. In the not too distant past there was one acceptable thing to request in the barbers: a short back and sides. These days, at the unisex hair emporium and spa, men are getting highlights and shaping and layering and feather cuts and complicated partings, and that's just for their beards.

This must stop. Before mullets started to change sex, our footballing hero was George Best - a man who actually wore a mullet and had the appearance of someone who slept in a skip. Today's best paid player is Cristiano Ronaldo and he looks like he sleeps in a moisture controlled, oxygen enriched tanning chamber, completely lined with mirrors.

Most importantly though, and I think I speak for all men when I say this - we would approve of women smelling less pleasant, if it prevented us from growing eggs in our testes.