THE BLOG

How Not To Get Kate Bush Tickets

28/03/2014 16:18 GMT | Updated 28/05/2014 10:59 BST

7.30am. Too early, go back to sleep but set the alarm for 8.45 just in case. Need to be breakfasted and alert. This may take some time and effort.

8.30, can't sleep. Turn on the computer, get it warmed up and ready. Check on broadband connection, collect two credit cards, just in case. Everything set. All ready for...

9.29, log on and sit watching a screen that says I'm on hold and ready to be let loose on the ticket scramble, just wait for the timer to wind round...the page refreshes and it is the same page, with the same timer. Open up a different browser. "Shockwave plug in failing to respond". Blood pressure already dangerously high. Original browser refreshes and I'm in.

Head straight for the last night. That will bound to go last as most people will probably work through the dates in order. "Select tickets" - £455?! You've got to be kidding. That's a "Hospitality" Package. Seems like a Hostility Package to me. There's some at £135. Way too much. She's not putting on an opera. There won't be an orchestra and she won't have a hundred dancers to pay. Why so bloomin' much?

I'll have two at £85. Preposterous price for a small rock show. Looks like cynical taking advantage to me. Never mind, no time to lose, crack on. "Two tickets reserved in the circle, Row X. X?! They have been on sale for five seconds and rows A-W have already sold out on the last night? I don't believe it. I'm guessing the best seats will all go to industry insiders who will get theirs free. You can always tell the blocks of freebie tickets at these events - they are always the best seats and they are usually half empty.

Don't think about that now. Just noticed a ticking clock that says I must carry out the purchase in five minutes. Why? Not only am I being charged WAY too much, now I have to dance for them too?

4.45, 4.44...

"Do you have an account or would you like to create one?" What? No, I'll have to create one. No problem, keep calm.

4.20, 4,19...

This is like defusing a bomb.

"Your username can not be your email address". OK, pick any name at random and hit send.

3.45, 3.44...

"There is already an account with this email address. Would you like to log in?" I already have an account? With these people? News to me. Type in usual password that I have for everything. Must change that - poor security. Never mind that now - concentrate.

3.13, 3.12...

"Password and email address do not match. Have you forgotten your password?" YES I HAVE. "Would you like us to send you a new one" DO IT!

2.53, 2.52...

"Look for an email in your Inbox." Open email account which takes as long to open as it took the Pleistocene era to pass.

2.11, 2.10...

Cut and paste ridiculously complicated new password. Account comes up with my old address on. Change details to the new address and send.

1.09, 1.08...

"How would you like to pay?" Bash in credit card details and notice that the booking fee for each ticket is £7.50. Postage is £2.50. Starting to experience rising anger. Don't get sidetracked.

38, 37...

"We are transferring you to your credit card security procedure." This is in no hurry to appear. Come on!!!

20, 19...

"Type in the second, eighth and ninth character of your Mastercard password." What's my Mastercard password? Take a guess, no time to look it up.

15, 14...

"Review your purchase and click to buy now"

10, 09

BUY NOW!

Screen changes ever....so.... slowly and:

"You did not tick the box to accept the terms and conditions"

3, 2,

Noooo! Tick the box.

1,

Click "Buy"

0.

Arrrrrggggghhhhh!