Puberty, Plaits And Peri-Menopause

29/09/2016 10:42

If you happen to have had a daughter in your late 30s, the chances are pretty high that as she starts puberty, you may be starting the 'peri' menopause.

This is scientifically probable.

It is also further confirmed by The Drama Tween.

Apparently, I will have my menopause soon and my periods will stop.

So it's official.

I was also advised that this was a shame as we wouldn't have very much in common.

No way - you don't say?!

Now, I may be jumping the gun here but I was thinking that we may not have too much in common during the next few years anyway.

More to do with her age than mine though, I hasten to add!

BUT, I can say with confidence that there will not be much that I don't know about periods.

My archives are quite insightful.

Remember, like most parents, I was brought up in the Victorian era.

And we know things!

As luck would have it, Mother Nature is a canny begger and doesn't always play a fair hand.

Bang on cue the 'ancient' parent has indeed received her calling card in the form of a little flush here and there.

This may come as a shock to many of you and you are dead right to think that I'm not old enough.

But, I've been tapped on the shoulder along with several of my besties and we are going through training camp.

And we won't let the ladies down on this one.

Because it's going to happen whether we like it or not isn't it.

We may as well embrace it and not be defined by it.

It may be a bumpy ride with an indeterminate end but me and my gals have got this one.

So why is it that every morning at the precise point that I am in full volcanic flow of a little flush, I am tasked with procuring a bloody hair plait of epic proportions.

Generally several times until the desired look is achieved.

This is a seismic occasion in the household and one where I am reduced to asking foolish questions of the husband.

Like "have you got a comb?"

This is a man who has had no hair since I met him and he has certainly never owned a comb.

So why when I realise I've started a plait with no equipment, do I suddenly think he is going to produce one?

But that is the nature of plaits.

That moment when you know you have got Plait B spot on, in the right place and matching the other one - why, OH WHY - do you suddenly find there is no tie?!

Or worse still, a hair loop poking out.


What, I ask is one supposed to do with one free hand?

One free hand and a plait in the other.

Oh and make that with a child attached to the end of it.


This requires the co-operation of both parties (remember one is a pre-teen).

Co-operation. Yes. That's right.

Such a rare commodity these days.

So does one pull the plait along?

This can get you in trouble.

DO NOT attempt (however satisfying it may appear to be)!

Remember that the child is not on wheels.

Any discerning sweaty momma will know that a fool proof routine needs to be established for the circumstances where plaits and sweats collide.

Because there is nothing that is going to make a hot woman sweat more than a last minute ornate plait design.

It is probably more effective than any Olympic sport that you may wish to name.

And so we need rules.

The Rules

Hairdressing needs to take place pre-shower.

Meltdowns need to take place pre-shower.

Everything needs to take place pre-shower.

When it does, the world is a happy place.

Our house is a happy place.

We are able to exit the home like normal people (with plaits).

But please know that if you ever see my child with a plait, that I will have smashed a hairdressing glass ceiling that morning.

And I deserve a high five at the very least.

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