Well that tv show was - as predicted - fucking insane. It's quite difficult to know what these Japanese shows are actually supposed to be about, but I'm guessing it was like some kind of version of our very own Top of the Pops (R.I.P.).
It was all executed with military precision. For example they give you instructions like:
You will exit the dressing room at 8:34
You will enter corridor A at 8:37
You will shake this persons hand at 8:39
You will perform said song at 8:41 etc . . .
And the most amazing thing is it all runs like clockwork!
I was on with a load of Japanese acts one of which was a manufactured girl group called AKB48. I kid you not. There was maybe 30 of them all between the ages of 13-15!!! I suddenly started to feel very old.
The presenter was some old dude who looked at best like a James Bond villain. It was loud fast and chaotic. Lord only knows why I was on there.
A good laugh all the same though.
Off to Osaka today.
That's all I've got for you I'm afraid. Jet-lagged out of my mind.
ONWARDS (and a little bit sideways!)
Yes comrades. So where were we? What day is it today? Sunday? It is here anyway.
So... back to Friday was it? Or Saturday? F***** if I know anymore... I've had about 16 hours kip in a week!! So spaced out now it's getting psychedelic (I used to pay £20 to feel like this back in the 80s!!). Right well... I remember waking up in Tokyo whenever it was. Beautiful day. Caught the bullet train to Osaka was it? Got man handled at the station by an increasingly hysterical crowd of well wishers. They don't half like to scream questions at you over here. It can be quite an experience. Like a medium level bad trip. I mean what are you supposed to say when crazy birds are SCREAMING into your face...
"I LIKE YOUR SHOES... WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR SHOES!?!?!?!?!?"
Eventually got prized into the train, shades all wonky... dying for a piss.
Lovely journey though. Through what looks like beautifully manicured countryside. None of your unkempt foliage here mate! It looks like that kids toy gear, that Playmobil stuff? Like little Lego toy towns! I'm not even joking, it was like being on a giant train set in fact. I'm sure the Mighty I has got half the towns we passed through!!! A couple of hours staring out the window is my idea of a top day out. Arrived in Osaka. Chaos ensued. Running, shouting. More fucking screaming questions...
"WHY DID YOU NOT ANSWER MY LETTER!?"
"HOW IS YOUR WIFE!!? WHO IS YOUR CAT!?"
Or was it the other way round (who is your wife and how is your cat??).
All very strange. A good laugh all the same though. The gig was great. The best one of the tour I reckon. Now, you know the girl what made the sign that says "NOEL OR DIE!!"? Well, she must have read the last post and bless her she'd only gone and sewn on two White arrows on the sign pointing to the "OR"!! She also had made for me a couple of t-shirts to celebrate Man City winning the league. She'd substituted the eagle on the City badge for a Simpsons caricature of my face... thanks very much etc... but on closer inspection in big bold championship style lettering it said... (and this is so fucking true it hurts):
"MANCHESTER CITY PREMIER REAGUE CHAMPIONS 2012"!!!!!!!
Japan you are the bollocks.
See you next time.
HuffPost Entertainment is your one-stop shop for celebrity news, hilarious late-night bits, industry and awards coverage and more — sent right to your inbox six days a week. Learn more