How Not to Lose Friends and Alienate People at Glastonbury Festival

19/06/2016 18:05 | Updated 19 June 2016

Next weekend music, art and laughter yoga (google it) aficionados will come together for the festival mecca itself: Glastonbury.

It's the pinnacle of the musical calendar and the unofficial stomping ground for the devastatingly cool and famous. Thanks to the other 200,000 mortal attendees, it's also one of the most overtly stereotyped and satirised events of the year where you're only ever one floral headband away from a cliché. Follow these rules to ensure you don't make a tit out of yourself.

1. Leave the selfie stick at the bin
You're herding through crowds of people, you can't find your friends, you're sweating profusely. Adele is about to start when suddenly, you are knocked in the face by a selfie-stick. Enough said. Feel free to apply to other festivals, social events and/or daily activities.

2. Bring drugs (legal ones)
Paracetamol, ibuprofen, sudafed, you name it, you'll be reaching for it in your morning haze after one too many ciders. Stock up ahead of time to save you from having to trawl half way across the camping ground to the on-site pharmacy. Thank us later.

3. Stay far away from glitter
You are not a teenage girl.

4. Don't even think about social media
You are having too much fun to be thinking about hashtags and The Fat Jewish #glastogoals

5. Eat dirty
No one likes a fusspot. Eat everything and don't you dare ask if it's gluten-free, it's the South West. Be quiet and eat your cornish pasty.

6. Be a queue-enthusiast
When there are 200,000 people living in commune for the weekend, queuing is part of the package. Accept this gracefully; crack jokes about Trump as you wait for the porta-loos.

7. There will be mud, embrace it
It's inevitable. Leave your labels and your fancy branded clothing at home, rock the 'pig-in-shit' look and if you get caught in the rain, drink piña coladas (obvs).

8. Smile at strangers
You will lose your friends at lease once, fact. Don't fret, you'll soon find them at a nearby bar playing beer pong. In the mean time, make the most of your one-man wolf pack: dance like a moron with a stranger, sing in an Australian accent at the karaoke tent and, if all else fails, sit on the grass, close your eyes and pretend to meditate while you secretly catch up on sleep.

9. Go with the flow
When all of your favourite musicians are performing in one place, it can be tempting to become a frenzied list-making, schedule-planning nerd. This is not a team-building exercise, keep your lists to yourself.

10. Remember tent-iquette
You are at one of the best festivals in the world but remember that you are on a campsite and you must have consideration for your neighbours. Tent walls are paper-thin so do bear this in mind when embarking upon any late-night noisy (ahem) activities.