I am sorry to break it to you, but the World Cup is currently happening to us. Yes, a whole month during which everyone suddenly becomes violently obsessed with football. There are the matches, the football themed adverts, the miniature flags on strings and now there's even World Cup themed M&Ms (which are quite tasty)! If like me you couldn't really care less, I would like to share some strategies on coping through this difficult time.
1. Timing - Look up the day and time that the next big match is on and memorise. When anyone mentions the day in question, no matter what the context, your immediate response should be "the England match is at [insert time] on [insert day]". Footy fans will be so impressed at your enthusiasm they will believe you are one of them.
2. Standing vs sitting - Every time all of the little running men on the tv crowd around the goal you need to show you care (if you don't know what the goal is you are in serious trouble). If no one scores you need to almost stand up from your seat but not quite, make a noise as if someone has punched you in the stomach and pretend to swat a fly before sitting back down comfortably. If someone does score you stand up and do your best when "Harry met Sally" impression (if you are not interested in football or film god help you).
3. Partay! - An excellent way to feign interest is to hold a World Cup party at your house. I am afraid you will have to buy themed things food/cups/flags from the supermarket, but then you can spend the whole party being such an excellent hostess (men I'm talking about you too) that you don't have any time to sit down and watch the match! Ohhh what a shame!
4. Number games - During a match pick a player by the number on their shirt and memorise their name (just the surname for premium football chat). Every time your chosen player touches the ball you just say their name out loud. The commentators even seem to play this game when they get bored, it makes you sound like you know what your doing. (I always choose Baines number 3 for obvious reasons).
5. Be Appy - Before the match download several new gaming apps. During the match sit towards the back of the football watching group and play said apps. Make sure you buy a round of drinks every so often, that way no-one will dob you in to the football gods.
6. Drink - Finally, there is always the option of drinking so much beer that you find yourself in a happy haze and even though you can no longer see the match you can stare in the general direction and think about sunflowers and bakewell tarts and happy days after the World Cup. IMPORTANT I do not encourage binge drinking outside of the World Cup, only when necessary please. Drink responsibly!
If all fails, you are washing your hair and if nothing else at least your hairdresser will pleased with you post World Cup. Don't forget to condition.
So go forth couldn't care lessers and prosper ... or just survive!
Samantha Baines is an award-winning actress and comedian. She has problems with
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