It's been a hard few weeks dealing with the fact that Dancing on Ice has truly come to an end. I am now finally able to speak about it and I am pleased to say, I have a plan! It was a sad day when all those B to Z list celebrities hung up their skates and stopped dancing on frozen water on TV, so what's next? Well we have had Dancing on Ice (water), we still have Dancing on earth; Strictly Come Dancing... So let's listen to science for a moment and make sure we covered off the other elements! If you are having trouble remembering all the elements, just think back to a younger Bruce Willis digging element stones from a blue opera-singing alien in the Fifth Element. Or, just read on.
Dancing on ... Fire
Smacking your head on the ice, slicing your partner open with skates or generally breaking something is nothing compared to first degree burns! Imagine the tension; "they've always called him smokin' hot and now Ray Quinn is visibly smoking as he's so hot his quiff is on fire". Now admittedly I haven't thought through the logistics of dancing on fire or the health and safety implications but I just know it would make good TV. Perhaps we could use hot coals? Alternatively if we use a bit of creative license with grammar we have "Dancing, on fire". So we could set the celebrities themselves alight rather than the dancing surface. Presumably we would have to suit them in some magical fireproof clothing (like Jennifer Lawrence's character in Hunger Games). If not there would only be one episode of the show before all the celebs had to be rushed to hospital or a grave. Something to think on.
Dancing on ... air
I'm thinking high up, anywhere between 100 and 10,000 metres from the ground (let's get as far away from that pesky earth element as possible). Now something sensible like Aerial Silks or the trapeze would make a pretty good show with some jeopardy. However dangling celebrities from planes whilst they dance or perform some sort of highly choreographed sky dive to hip hop music would be ideal. Choosing celebrities who have a fear of heights could also add to the drama. I see goggles, I see sequinned jump suits and I see celebrities being thrown out of planes!
Dancing on ... other things
This is the format that keeps on giving! Why stop at elements? We could have Dancing on ... bouncy castles, radio, chimneys (inspired by Mary Poppins), people, Jason Gardiner, Phillip Schofield's carpet.
So ITV, hit me up and let's chat, it would be a shame to stop dancing on things!
People of Britain (and of further afield but you might not have understood the references) let me know of you have any ideas of things to dance on!
Samantha Baines is an award-winning actress and comedian. She has problems with
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